Girlfriend says reasons for family estrangement are ‘bratty’
DEAR CAROLYN: I have been dating a woman long enough that we’ve talked about marriage. I get along well with her family, who live near us. She has never met my family, who do not live near us, and recently I gave her the whole story, that I see them only occasionally and in small doses because of the way they have treated me over the course of my life.
My girlfriend listened to my explanation and said: “You sound like a bratty teenager complaining about your parents. I’m sure they did their best.” I was floored. I feel like her response shows a fundamental lack of empathy for the fact that I wasn’t blessed with a loving family as she was, and it is making me rethink our relationship.
She has apologized for the way she phrased what she said, but I am really wondering if it’s possible for me to have a future with a person who shows such a lack of understanding about something so fundamental to who I am. Do you see a way forward here?
— Anonymous
DEAR READER: I see nothing but ways forward. Most of them just don’t include her.
The way forward with her also starts with her, in some version of this epiphany: “The problem wasn’t just in how I phrased it. I looked at your life through the lens of my own, instead of listening to you and trying to understand the situation from your perspective. That was a big and self-centered mistake, and you deserved more from me.”
There’s also a way forward where she sticks to her original assessment and owns it — by breaking up with you. Because if she genuinely has so little respect for your version of your own origin story, then a breakup is the only appropriate next step.
That still fits the definition of “forward” for you because it frees you up to meet someone who understands you better, trusts you more or both.
Or, if you feel uncomfortable truth in her interpretation, then it kicks you toward the hard, productive work of re-evaluating your bedrock assumptions about yourself and your upbringing.
Another way forward is for you to use this experience to reflect on what you missed about your girlfriend and why. Values and worldviews don’t apply solely to family; they express themselves constantly through our behaviors. When you’ve been dating someone as long and as seriously as you say you’ve been dating your girlfriend, the only way a disconnection of this magnitude becomes a jump-scare is if you’ve ignored or failed to notice signs of it along the way.
Knowing what you know now, look back at your relationship for any breadcrumbs leading you here. Did you ignore them? Rationalize them as something else, or wish them away? Did you withhold truths about your history because you suspected she’d react this way?
It’s not uncommon to give our outer-facing selves some nipping and tucking, or to put a positive spin on our partners, when we’re really invested in making a relationship work. It’s a totally normal impulse that can be totally self-defeating, prolonging relationships with the wrong people for us.
Transparency is healthy. It allows two true selves to figure out whether they work.
But it’s hard. It takes being willing to break up because you have to, not because you want to. It takes a willingness not only to consider that your partner isn’t as great for you as you’d hoped, but also to open your true self to scrutiny and possible rejection.
Your girlfriend’s response was so problematic in part because you didn’t talk honestly about your family until you’d been together long enough to be talking marriage.
And that part is on you, for withholding the “whole story” from someone so important to you.
This reluctance to trust may stem, understandably, from your experience with a hurtful family. If so, that points to another way forward: to reckon with whatever pain you still carry, in therapy if needed, so it stops getting in your way.
DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I have been married for three years. His first marriage of 10 years ended in divorce 30 years ago. According to his ex-wife, it was not a happy marriage.
He, however, continues to refer to his ex as his “wife” in conversation and even in interviews. (He’s something of a public figure.) When I ask him why he does this, he says he doesn’t like phrases such as “ex-wife.” I have suggested “first wife” or “my wife at the time,” but he won’t budge.
It feels disrespectful. It also feels strange that 30 years after a divorce, he still thinks of his ex as “wife.” Am I overreacting?
— The “Second” Wife DEAR READER: To the marriage implications, probably. She’s such ancient history that his phrasing probably has little correlation with his feelings for her.
To the respect implications? No. Underreacting. “He won’t budge” says your public figure values his semantic preferences — appearances? — over your feelings. Boo. You can know full well who you married and still give your feelings a stronger voice. Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or email tellme@washpost.com