Should brother intervene in sister’s marriage situation?
My sister has been married for 20 years to a man we all feel is obnoxious, overbearing, etc. My sister and I used to be very close. Not so anymore, and her husband is at least a part of it.
My concern for her sometimes veers to, “Is this an abusive marriage?” — emotionally with controlling behavior, not physically. I’m at a point where I am considering asking her questions that will make it clear I’m worried. However, she is definitely more isolated now than she has been previously. This line of questions could push her farther away. How can I discuss this with her in a way that is less likely to isolate her? My parents and I live locally to her.
— Brother DEAR READER: You say you’re not close anymore. The kind of conversation you have in mind is for two people who are very close — and even then, it’s a risk for exactly the reason you give.
You can still help, though: by trying to rebuild your relationship with her. That part is your business, for one. There are complicated lines all over this situation between what is and isn’t your place, but just caring about your sister, without any other agenda, is simple. Wanting to spend more time with her and making sincere overtures to reconnect are wonderfully, uncomplicatedly on your side of all those lines.
Plus, it’s both healthy involvement on its own — if authentic! — and necessary for further intervention. Her isolation is a possible symptom of a dangerous marriage and an obstacle to getting out of one. Jumping in with a pointed line of questioning when you haven’t made a consistent effort to be in touch may even come across as self-serving, and spotlight the husband as the true constant in her life.
In fact, I wish more people writing in with concerns like yours (common problem, sad to say) would apply a “You break it, you buy it” mindset to intervening. Expecting someone with a diminished support network to leave an abuser and just leap into the unknown — in a state of diminished confidence from years of abuse — is unrealistic.
Which is, of course, exactly why cutting their victims off from their supports is a common tactic for abusers: It dramatically reduces the chances a victim will leave, proportionately increasing the level of abuse they’ll accept.
So anyone who wants to help will have to reckon with the other side of that issue. You and the rest of the “we all” who find your sister’s husband “overbearing” need to be ready to serve as her fully supportive replacement network in the event she trust-falls out of her marriage — and anyone who isn’t ready needs a good think before presuming to destabilize her life.
I’ve written recently about ways to approach conversations with people you suspect are being abused, so I won’t repeat that advice here. But the way you distinguish between forms of abuse calls for a reminder:
Abuse can be physical, emotional, both, or a selection of items from Column A: financial, medical, verbal, sexual, informational (blackmail) — basically any path to leverage against someone.
There’s really no limit to human creativity in securing power and playing out dominance over others, if we’re sick enough emotionally to crave this in our personal connections.
So don’t get knotted up in the particulars. Control + unhappiness = enough.
Think instead of what more you and others who love her can do to form, maintain and model healthy connections to her. Everything helpful flows from there.