Grace could be too subtle when declining social discomfort
DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I frequent a neighborhood eatery. Recently, we have been running into another couple we know only slightly, who will then join us. They do not live nearby and heard we often dine there. They comment on our deviation from our usual schedule when we run into them.
I feel we are being stalked. We do not want to be beholden to dine with others — especially those we are not especially close to — on a regular basis, and resent having to explain our absence when it occurs.
Other than change cafes, how do we gracefully disentangle ourselves?
— Stalked DEAR READER: That is unsettling.
Or just annoying, depending on the extent and origin of this couple’s poor judgment.
Either way, whether it’s about their refusal (intentional) or failure (unintentional) to read the situation, recognize that they’ve put your interactions outside the bounds of normal social functioning. That means civility is still best but “gracefully” no longer applies. That’s because what you see as graceful is probably too subtle for them to grasp, if they’re nice people who are crowding you only because they miss social cues. In that case, “We’re having dinner alone tonight” is the kind of clarity you need.
And if they’re not nice people — if they’re crowding you because they want something from you more than they care about what you want — then they’ll interpret your graceful answer as a weak “no” that you’re too uncomfortable to enforce. In that case, “We’re having dinner alone tonight” is still the kind of clarity you need.
You never “have to” explain yourselves. Not to anyone, but certainly not to people you barely know and are growing to dislike. So let your answers sit there unadorned. It feels weird, especially at first, but here’s a love letter to conversational dead air: When you show you’re not afraid of it, people can’t leverage your discomfort to get what they want.
You also aren’t socially required to keep your discomfort quiet. I understand holding back at first, to give graceful cues a chance to sink in (a process that agreeing to dine with them undermines, by the way). But when it’s clear they’re not getting your message, speak up: “You’re tracking our movements? I’m not comfortable with that.”
DEAR CAROLYN: I had a first-trimester miscarriage in September that caused an absolute mental shutdown. For four months, I could do only the bare minimum, and that did not include my various regular volunteer activities. I begged myself off of boards and social groups — becoming the “flaky” member of every group except for my nuclear family. I stood up friends and community members.
When I think back now, I’m very embarrassed. Through therapy, antidepressants and time, I’m ready to “rejoin” society. I am proud of getting through the hard months.
But how to reenter life after mental breakdown? I do not wish to broadcast my miscarriage and subsequent mental health problems; however, I do want to apologize for leaving people and groups that I care about hanging for so many months. — Anonymous
DEAR READER: Don’t overthink it. You had “health issues.” That’s, “If I could have been there, then I would have,” plus, “Please don’t pry.”
So: “I am so sorry I left you hanging for months. I had some health issues. I’m better now and so glad to be back.”
You have my condolences — and nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes our bodies surprise us, with what they can and can’t take in stride. People who understand that will have compassion and welcome you back. If anyone does pry, ugh: “Nothing I care to discuss.”
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or email