Parents want to cushion son’s breakup with girlfriend
DEAR CAROLYN: Our teenage son has been dating a lovely girl for six months. For both, it is their first serious dating relationship. A month ago, she said “I love you.” Our son told her he was not yet able to say those words back to her. She was understanding, and they’ve continued dating. They enjoy spending time together, and our son really likes spending time with her family.
But he feels guilty that he still doesn’t feel the same way toward her, and it seems it is also becoming a problem for her.
He and we recognize a breakup is eventually coming, but also appreciate that she would be heartbroken if he broke up with her. Should he do it anyway for her sake? Should we talk to her mom (whom we know) and suggest her daughter break up with him instead? Would that make it any easier for her?
We sincerely like the whole family and occasionally see them due to after-school activities, so we want the breakup to be as “non-traumatic” (not sure what the right word is) as possible.
— Dad
DEAR READER: The trauma that concerns me here is the one kids face later as adults with underdeveloped coping skills, because their parents acted on their impulses to absorb adolescence for them.
Breakups hurt. You can’t make them not hurt.
So do not talk to the girlfriend’s parents, oh my goodness. How embarrassing for her, to get families involved as if she’s too helpless to face this herself. Presumably, you don’t mean that, but that’s how it reads.
And if there’s anything I think your son “should” do, I’ll tell him myself when he asks me.
Parents want to avoid causing pain for their kids, obviously, and to protect them from preventable sources of suffering. I’m not suggesting you hand babies sharp objects.
However, parents must accept that children can’t learn to handle pain without feeling pain.
They need to get frustrated, lonely, rejected, talked about, betrayed, misunderstood. They need an unfair grade, some misplaced blame, a few dashed hopes and some incredible disappearing homework, especially if they spent hours on it. They need to get cut from the team (and hear their parents not blame the coach).
They need this because every life has some element of frustration, loneliness, rejection, mistreatment, misunderstanding, raw deals, disappointment, disaster and dream-crushing. And after that comes Tuesday.
I kid. But it is one of the tougher jobs that parents have, to witness pain they probably can’t and certainly shouldn’t take away from their kids. It’s hard to know when (not) to step in.
So ask yourself some check-in questions: Is my kid OK, more or less? Will he figure it out if I don’t get involved beyond moral support? Did I go through this at his age (and did I want Daddy’s help)?
And: Is there a point at which adults must intervene? If so, what is it?
The answers here, apparently: Your kid is OK. He (and the girlfriend) will figure it out. There’s no sign of mistreatment or gratuitous harm telling you to step in.
These questions catch serious risks to kids’ health like bullying and abuse but leave the routine hazards of living — appropriately — intact for kids to learn on. Lessons like, “I have other sources of comfort.” “Tough times are part of everyone’s life.” “I can be OK again after this.” With the help of parental hugs, perspective and sympathy, of course.
Your son clearly trusts you with the details. Now trust him to find his way. Try some noncommittal comforting sounds: “That’s hard, I’m sorry.” “Happy to listen.” “Hmm — what do you think you’ll do?”
The only “good” breakup is direct, respectful and kind. “I’m proud you were honest with her.”
DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I are planning to take the grandkids to Disneyland next year. I was hesitant to tell my sister because anytime I tell her we are planning a vacation, she immediately says she wants to come along. I can count on it. I love my sister, but she really irritates my husband — and me, to a lesser degree. She is not aware of this problem since we live in separate cities and rarely see each other.
She is very dependent. For instance, if she wanted to return to the hotel to nap, then she would need someone to go with her because she wouldn’t find her own way. I would need to plan her flight, room, tickets, getting to the park, etc. She has plenty of good traits, but not on a trip. I just don’t feel I can tell her the reason is that she is irritating. How do I handle this?
— Grandma
DEAR READER: I can’t see any reason to tell her you are going on this trip. Or any trip.
Whenever an easy solution presents itself, seize it.
And if you slip or she finds out: “Ah, we’re all set for this trip,” then change the conversation topic to one centered on her. Plans to visit her, perhaps? I read loneliness between all your lines about her.