What’s the real cost of going halfsies on a modest engagement ring?
Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I have been together several years and are getting married next year. Marriage is not something he cares about, but he knows it’s important to me and is happy to get married. At his request, there was no proposal, and the wedding will be tiny and simple. This is all legitimately fine with me; however, I did decide I wanted an engagement ring. I know it’s easy to bash them for being a symbol of materialism and misogynistic traditions, but I’ve always loved jewelry, and having a physical symbol of my relationship is very meaningful.
My fiancé was on board until it came time to buy the ring; then he decided we should split the cost equally (which we do with all other expenses). This is really rubbing me the wrong way.
Money isn’t an issue; he’s well-paid and has no debt, and the ring I chose costs less than $900. He just thinks it’s a silly thing to buy. I’ve given so much to this relationship – two cross-country moves for his career, hundreds of hours learning his native language so I can communicate with his family, taking on extra chores because he needs more downtime – and it hurts he won’t do this for me.
That gets me feeling slighted, but then I feel weird about: 1. Expecting a ring, or any gift in the first place. 2. Expecting a ring from someone who doesn’t care about marriage. It doesn’t help that every married woman I know has a ring her partner enthusiastically bought for her, plus a nice proposal, plus a wedding much grander than mine will be.
I feel like I’m being materialistic even though my wants are so much less than what everyone around me got. So then I just cycle through the confusion again. Am I ignoring my boyfriend’s personality and values to push societal expectations on him, or is he failing to show up for me? - Confused
Confused: He: Move cross-country for my career.
You: Okay!
He: Move cross-country again for my career.
You: Okay!
He: Learn a new language so you can communicate with my family.
You: Okay!
You: Marry me using a symbolic piece of jewelry that means a lot to me and costs less than $900.
He: I don’t care, so fine, but you pay half even though I can easily afford it, because I think what you value is stupid.
You have your answer, screamingly loud and clear, don’t you? And it has nothing to do with marriage, materialism or symbols.
Same answer, another way: There are so many wonderful men out there. Use what you learned here to hold out for one who loves you completely and values your happiness equally. Give yourself a chance to feel that.
Readers also would like a word:
What your too-cheap-to-buy-astinking-ring fiancé is saying is, “If it’s not important to ME, it’s not important.” This will not change.
This is the beginning of the rest of your life. He is telling you right now that he does not care about you enough to even consider why a symbolic ring might be important to you. Find someone who thinks your wishes are important to him.