Hosting holidays is your choice

Dear Carolyn: Our family includes 20plus people, most on my husband’s side. For years my mother or I hosted Christmas, and my husband’s mother or sister hosted Thanksgiving. Five years ago, my sister-inlaw announced she was neither attending nor hosting Thanksgiving. Her family of four still attends Christmas, as does my husband’s brother’s family (seven people) who live across the state. My mother-in-law is now too old to host.

This leaves my mother, 72, hosting the smaller gathering every Thanksgiving and me hosting every Christmas for 20plus people.

I’m having trouble with why my sister-in-law can’t have us over for Thanksgiving. She doesn’t work; I have a career. Her children are grown; mine are still living at home. I am happy to host Christmas, but I think she should host Thanksgiving instead of my elderly mother. I don’t think absenting herself from Thanksgiving means never having to reciprocate for Christmas.

Is there anything I can say to try to get her to step up? Am I being difficult? — Anonymous Dear Anonymous: No, just a bit myopic. I certainly understand your frustration. But you’ve essentially roasted this down to, “I’m stuck with Christmas, so stick her with Thanksgiving”; that’s making decisions for others that aren’t yours to make.

Your sister-in-law had every right to quit Thanksgiving. It’s her time, her kitchen, her choice.

Know this: You are just as entitled to quit Christmas as your sisterin-law was entitled to quit Thanksgiving. If you don’t want to quit, then own that; don’t distribute blame.

What I also suggest you don’t touch with a 10-foot turkey baster is the idea that your sister-in-law’s employment, maternal responsibilities and status in the family have any place in this discussion.

Her choices are hers to make, and yours are yours, end of story.