Haw-haw: An­other year full of Hooties

Austin American-Statesman - - SPORTS - Flat tires flus­tered Aus­tralian rider Cadel Evans (top) and 29 other Tour de France cy­clists on July 15. FRED MONS / AS­SO­CI­ATED PRESS North Korean play­ers were mis­tak­enly in­tro­duced along­side ri­val South Korea’s flag be­fore a game, prompt­ing an apol­ogy. A

They say nice guys fin­ish last. So, it makes sense that this guy fin­ished first.

Mahiedine Mekhissi-Ben­ab­bad, a 27-year-old French long-dis­tance run­ner, won the 3,000-me­ter steeplechase at the Euro­pean Cham­pi­onships — and cel­e­brated by shov­ing the event’s silly-look­ing but com­pletely friendly mas­cot. In­side the mas­cot cos­tume was one very sur­prised 14year-old girl.

Now he’ll never get to ask for those au­to­graphs

The NFL re­moved re­place­ment ref­eree Brian Stropolo from the crew sched­uled to of­fi­ci­ate the Carolina Pan­thers’ game against the New Or­leans Saints — be­cause it learned that Stropolo was a diehard Saints fan.

In the end, it was his own be­hind that was ex­posed

Pranks and hi­jinks are just part of the fun of play­ing on a high school sports team — hi­jinks like sur­rep­ti­tiously pulling down a player’s warmup pants. But that doesn’t work out so well when the de­pantser is a male coach/ prin­ci­pal and the de­pantsee is a 15-year-old girl — who wasn’t wear­ing shorts un­der her warmup. Oh, and this hap­pened in front of the boys bas­ket­ball team. Po­lice in Har­ri­son County, Iowa, were in­ves­ti­gat­ing.

He stopped short of pulling down his pants — or in­vad­ing Poland

Guy Pnini was fined and stripped of his role as cap­tain of an Is­raeli bas­ket­ball team af­ter he took on-the­court trash talk to a new level by call­ing a ri­val team’s player a Nazi and telling him “your fa­ther should die.”

This ga­tor wasn’t bowled over

To fire up his team dur­ing prac­tice be­fore the Ga­tor Bowl, Michi­gan State coach Mark Dan­to­nio de­cided to play a prank by hav­ing an al­li­ga­tor turned loose dur­ing a team pep talk. An an­i­mal trainer dressed up as a Michi­gan State player was to run over and wres­tle the ga­tor, thus in­spir­ing the rest of the team. But the trainer slipped — and the al­li­ga­tor bit him in the leg.

Quick, fol­low that som­brero!

A 40-year-old Min­nesota Vik­ings fan was ar­rested af­ter a brawl in­volv­ing 20 to 30 peo­ple af­ter the Vik­ings lost to the Pack­ers in Green Bay. It wasn’t hard for wit­nesses to pin­point the Vik­ings fan at the cen­ter of the melee. He was wear­ing a pur­ple som­brero.

I’ll take the ‘un­der’ on good par­ent­ing

Nine Florida men were ar­rested on charges of il­le­gally bet­ting more than $100,000 on pee­wee foot­ball games in which the play­ers were as young as 5.

Maybe those guys in Florida had money on the game

A girls high school hockey game in Mas­sachusetts ended con­tro­ver­sially — when the par­ent of a player was caught shin­ing a laser pointer into the eyes of a goalie on the op­pos­ing team.

Some guy in Florida had bet this would hap­pen

A New Jersey woman filed a law­suit seek­ing $150,000 in dam­ages from an 11-year-old catcher whose er­rant throw struck the woman at a Lit­tle League game.

Cool. Cy­cling just got in­ter­est­ing

The 14th stage of the Tour de France fell flat when 30 rid­ers suf­fered punc­tured tires be­cause of tacks thrown onto the road.

Talk about things be­ing punc­tured

Lance Arm­strong fi­nally met his match when the U.S. Anti-Dop­ing Agency pre­sented state­ments from his former team­mates at­test­ing to Arm­strong’s use of blood dop­ing and other per­for­manceen­hanc­ing tech­niques dur­ing his seven Tour de France cham­pi­onships. His cor­po­rate spon­sors and even his own can­cer foun­da­tion be­gan dis­tanc­ing them­selves from the de­frocked cy­clist faster than a 10-speed ca­reen­ing down the French Alps.

I guess STUPID was al­ready taken

Den­ver Broncos run­ning back Know­shon Moreno was ar­rested on sus­pi­cion of drunken driv­ing. He was driv­ing a Bent­ley con­vert­ible with the li­cense plate SAUCED.

Hold the mayo and cut the um­bil­i­cal

A prep school coach and guid­ance coun­selor in Erie, Pa., sent an email rant to the en­tire stu­dent body af­ter be­ing dis­ap­pointed at the lack of sup­port for the school’s bas­ket­ball team. He wrote that stu­dents who chose to sit with their par­ents at games should “cut the um­bil­i­cal cord and grow a pair” and re­ferred to stu­dents who sat with class­mates as “boy lovers.” Sit­ting with a girl­friend ap­par­ently isn’t much bet­ter: “If she made or wanted you sit with her, then she is a high main­te­nance, self­ish pig and you should dump her now.” He was equally crit­i­cal of an op­pos­ing team, call­ing them “a bunch of may­on­naise sand­wich eat­ing, sis­ter lov­ing, trailer park dwelling clowns.” Af­ter a fol­lowup apolo­getic email, the coach was sus­pended for two weeks with­out pay.

Hi, Mom. They sent money!

Louisiana foot­ball prospect Lan­don Collins, rated the No. 1 safety coming out of high school, an­nounced live on ESPN that he had cho­sen to play col­lege foot­ball at ri­val Alabama. That was good news for Bama fans but bad news to his own mother. Seated next to him, she shook her head in be­wil­der­ment and then pro­nounced on TV that her al­le­giance re­mains with LSU, say­ing, “LSU Tigers, num­ber one. Go Tigers.”

Ques­tion No. 4: What im­me­di­ately comes to mind when you hear the word ‘full­back’?

The coach for the Ger­man soc­cer club Han­nover tried a new method for learn­ing how to mo­ti­vate his play­ers: He gave them a 128-ques­tion sur­vey about their sex­ual habits and de­sires. Among the sur­vey’s agree/dis­agree state­ments were “I am what you could call sex­u­ally un­re­strained,” “I want any sex I can get” or “I have a lot of erotic fan­tasies.” Said the coach: “Each player needs dif­fer­ent con­di­tions to per­form at his best over a long pe­riod.” Um, are we still talk­ing about soc­cer?

This break­fast cost him some ba­con

NHL player Dustin Pen­ner of the Los An­ge­les Kings was scratched from a game with a back in­jury suf­fered while eat­ing pan­cakes.

They took a knee all right — a knee to the head

Two teen-age fans cel­e­brated a vic­tory by their high school bas­ket­ball team by “Te­bow­ing” — the act of kneel­ing in prayer as Tim Te­bow does. Fans of the op­pos­ing team ap­par­ently didn’t care for that — so they punched and kicked the two fans as they left the gym.

Los­ing the game: Price­less

A Green Bay Pack­ers fan liv­ing in New York took five bud­dies (all of them Giants fans) to the Giants-Pack­ers play­off game at Lam­beau Field, along with two wait­resses, a driver and an ex­ec­u­tive chef in a 70-foot RV. Cost for the trip and the six 50yard-line seats: $250,000. The Pack­ers lost the game, mean­ing the guy who paid for the trip had to lis­ten to his bud­dies all the way back to Man­hat­tan.

I said, ‘Roll Tide,’ not ‘Rub up against me Tide.’

A drunken LSU fan picked the wrong place to pass out — in a Krys­tal burger joint in New Or­leans and sur­rounded by cel­e­brat­ing Alabama fans af­ter the na­tional cham­pi­onship foot­ball game. A YouTube video cap­tured mul­ti­ple Crim­son Tide fans mock­ing the fan and leav­ing trash on his un­con­scious body. One Bama fan even rubbed his ex­posed gen­i­tals on the passed-out guy. Among the TV sta­tions air­ing por­tions of the video on its news­cast was WKRG in Mo­bile, Ala. A day later, the sta­tion ac­knowl­edged that one of the abu­sive Bama fans in the video was the son of the sta­tion’s sports di­rec­tor.

There’s a joke here about a hand­ball, but we’re not go­ing to make it

AC Mi­lan star Kevin-Prince Boateng missed sev­eral weeks of the Ital­ian soc­cer sea­son with a thigh in­jury. His girl­friend, swim­suit model Melissa Satta, said she knew the cause of the in­jury: “The rea­son why he is al­ways in­jured is be­cause we have sex 7-10 times a week.”

Fight­ing Hook­ers never stood a chance

“Cougars” won a stu­dent vote for the new mas­cot for a Utah high school, but the school board re­jected it, say­ing the slang term “cougar” was of­fen­sive to some women.

Sorry you can’t make it, what with the can­cer and all. Now, how good are th­ese seats?

Tele­vi­sion writer Ja­son Elia paid $8,000 for tick­ets to the Su­per Bowl for him and his girl­friend, whom he hoped would be his fi­ancee by the day of the big game. In­stead, he was di­ag­nosed with blad­der can­cer, and she de­cided that was too much for her and broke up with him. And she asked if she could still have the Su­per Bowl tick­ets.

Some­thing wicket this way comes

When a 15-year-old fan ran onto the field dur­ing a cricket match in Bangladesh, an um­pire picked up a bat and hit the teen in the head. He died the next day.

Imag­ine if the home team had lost

Fans in Egypt stormed the field when the home team won Born to lose ... my job Arkansas foot­ball coach Bobby Petrino was in­jured in a mo­tor­cy­cle wreck — while rid­ing with his mis­tress who was half his age and whom he had re­cently hired and given a $20,000 gift. When Petrino con­ve­niently left out many of those de­tails in his ex­pla­na­tion to his bosses, he was fired.

Maybe he was try­ing to dodge a salmon

Wrecks are com­mon at the Day­tona 500, but usu­ally the col­li­sions only in­volve the race cars. This year’s race was al­ready un­der cau­tion as of­fi­cials worked to dry the rain-slick­ened track. That’s when the No. 42 car driven by Juan Pablo Mon­toya sud­denly veered out of con­trol and smack into a truck equipped with a jet dryer — and filled with 200 gal­lons of jet fuel, caus­ing quite an ex­plo­sion and de­lay­ing the race fur­ther.

I’ll take ‘Maim­ing’ for $800, Alex

An NFL in­ves­ti­ga­tion found that New Or­leans Saints de­fen­sive co­or­di­na­tor Gregg Wil­liams handed out bonuses to play­ers who in­jured play­ers on the op­pos­ing team. Knock­ing out an op­po­nent earned Saints a soc­cer match, but the cel­e­bra­tion quickly turned ugly, with op­pos­ing fans beat­ing one an­other. A stam­pede and ri­ot­ing en­sued, and more than 70 peo­ple were killed.

His slice has al­ways been out of con­trol

When a faster-play­ing group tried to play through the group in front of them on a Fort Worth golf course, a fight en­sued — and one man was stabbed with a golf club shaft, los­ing a mas­sive amount of blood from a punc­tured femoral artery.

We thought those aw­ful puns would go on for Lin­fin­ity

The out-of-nowhere emer­gence of Chi­nese Amer­i­can Jeremy Lin to a star­ring role with the New York Knicks caught the na­tion by storm and drove pun-lov­ing head­line writ­ers into a state of “Lin­san­ity.” But one head­line writer took things in the other di­rec­tion; when the Knicks’ Lin­spired win­ning streak came to an end, one ESPN head­line said, “A chink in the ar­mor.” Per­haps that head­line writer had just sam­pled Ben & Jerry’s new vanilla frozen yo­gurt fla­vor, “Taste the Lin-San­ity,” which in­cluded for­tune cookie bits un­til the com­pany re­al­ized that was Lin-sen­si­tive and opted for waf­fle cone pieces in­stead.

You could say he fin-ished the job

How best to honor a loved one who has passed away? Just throw a Chi­nook salmon onto the ice dur­ing a Van­cou­ver Canucks game. That’s what Roger Pa­que­tte did af­ter his 30year-old son had died in an ATV ac­ci­dent. You see, the son was plan­ning to throw a Chi­nook onto the ice at the very same game but didn’t live to do it; so, his fa­ther car­ried out the frozen seafood act in his honor.

Ex-Arkansas head foot­ball coach Bobby Petrino fell off his bike and out of his job in April af­ter an ill­timed jaunt with his mis­tress.

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