CAROLYN HAX

DEAR CAROLYN: My wife and I were asked by family members if, should they die, we would take their kids. We said we wanted to think about it, and after a few days came back to them and said we would, but we first wanted to know a few things, like the details of their life insurance policies, whether they have savings set aside for their kids’ college, etc. The family members’ response was, “You know what? If it’s all about money to you, forget it.” They are now not returning our phone calls. Were we wrong to bring up money? Is there something we need to do to patch things up? —Guardian

It’s not up to me to arbitrate this, and it’s not up to you, either, because the “not returning our phone calls” is in charge of absolutely everything now.

If they don’t give you a chance to explain yourselves, then how does anyone move forward? At worst, an open follow-up discussion would confirm their low opinion of you and they could go back to ousting you from their lives. At best, you all stand to gain a better relationship than you had before this blowup if it’s just a matter of your saying, “Wait, I think I phrased that poorly —of course we’d make sure your kids were well cared for. I just wanted to know the full scope of that responsibility.” There’s nothing to lose by talking.

Which makes me wonder why people go silent without first allowing for reconciliation. There has to be something in it for these family members to create and sustain a grudge. If it didn’t satisfy something in them, then they’d do the obvious and call you back.