CAROLYN HAX

DEAR CAROLYN: My wife has been telling me as long as we’ve known each other that she wants nothing but openness and honesty from me. So when she asks me personal questions, I answer as honestly as I know how.

My problem is that she uses what I tell her against me when we fight. Such as: “You can’t criticize me for that because you [insert incident from when I was 15 that I told her about],” or my favorite, the snide comment about some personal anecdote about my sexual history, which she likes to drag out when we haven’t hadsexinawhile.

I’ve mentioned many times that I don’t appreciate being manipulated into divulging my secrets only to have them thrown in my face. How do we break this habit?

— Trust Issues

“We” break it by realizing you have done your part by voicing your concerns and asking not to have your secrets used against you.

Her part now is to hear you, respect you, apologize to you for her profound abuse of your trust, behave herself hereafter — and then be patient with your continued guardedness as you see whether her newfound decency sticks.

There’s no intimate future left for you two unless she recognizes, admits and renounces these tactics.

I suggest that you talk to a skilled therapist by yourself to learn more about the dynamic in your marriage, where it comes from, why it’s so unhealthy, and what your options are if — when — she keeps refusing to do her part. That’s when you stop trying to save the marriage and focus on saving yourself.