Austin is at a high risk of vampire attacks — if it were to come to that
Also: A Texas poet performs a viral love letter to Whataburger.
“Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.” It almost sounds like Dracula has been to South By Southwest before.
Bad news for us if the count and his Transylvanian ilk actually decide to take a red-eye to Austin, but good news if you’re looking for a little pre-Halloween spook: According to real estate website and purveyor of infographic memes Trulia, Austin ranks No. 2 on a list of worst places to live if vampires rise from their coffins.
(“If ?” We’ve seen “I Am Legend.” We know how this works.)
Trulia’s assessment of major American urban areas with more than 800,000 people hinges on the concentration of two places that Nosferatu might have a punch-card at: blood banks and hospitals. The ranking looked to Yelp for finding which cities have the most such medical centers per 50,000 people. The list puts Austin’s concentration of plasma buffets at three per 50,000 people.
The No. 1 city most vulnerable to fanged ones is San Diego, Calif., with 3.2 blood banks and hospitals per 50,000 people. The only other Texas city in the top 10? San Antonio, at No. 9.
The bright side to this dark promise of blood-sucking doom? Trulia also ranked the cities most vulnerable to zombie attacks (based on concentration of cemeteries) and ghost encounters (based on concentration of purported “hauntings”), and Austin is nowhere to be seen.
Iambic penta-meat-er
Texas poet Amir Safi, in the tradition of Robert Browning before him, has written a poem to his true love. His true love, though, happens to be Texas’ most beloved fast food chain.
A YouTube video of Safi performing a piece called “An Ode to Whataburger” at the recent Texas Grand Slam Poetry Festival in Bryan-College Station may be well on its way to going viral. If you’ve ever bathed your taste buds in spicy ketchup at 2 a.m., you know why.
Safi starts out calling the orange-and-white eatery by its many divine names, like “Oh, Whataburger. Texas-born titan. A-frame shelter. Pilgrimage for the South. Church of meat grease and longer waits.” He rightfully states that “We have come to receive your honey butter chicken blessings.” And unlike how a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, he points out that Burger King is not open 24 hours a day, and “Arby’s has enough problems.”
The whole poem, and the poet’s passion, must be see to be believed. But if anyone doubts this ode’s fervor for a double-meat treat, consider Safi’s romantic confession of “Oh, Whataburger. You would be a sweet, sweet lover. But that’s for another poem.”
You want another poem? How about the one that Whataburger’s Twitter account wrote Safi in response to the video on Tuesday: “Oh Amir, mastermind of words, the Jay-Z of Odes, champion of champs, wizards of sonnets/ We are your biggest Grandslam fans!”
Corn stars
Some love candy corn, some like it OK when it seems seasonally appropriate, and some flat-out doubt its status as a valid candy. It’s an age-old debate that now, thanks to a new survey, we can look at along regional lines.
Influenster, a website dedicated to product reviews and rankings, recently asked 40,000 Americans who use their site to name their favorite Halloween candy.
Texans overwhelmingly favor candy corn, according to their poll results.
Texas wasn’t alone: Oregon, Wyoming, Tennessee and South Carolina also confessed to an affinity for candy corn, which according to a 2010 Atlantic article titled “Where Our Love/Hate Relationship With Candy Corn Comes From” was once called “chicken feed.”
Though only the top chosen candy in two states — picked by the wise people of Connecticut and Indiana — Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups were the overall favorite candy with just under 10 percent of the total vote.
Texas has now been outed as one of the reasons that candy corn still finds its way into our Halloween candy bowls. But at least Texans had the good sense not to nominate a cookie like the Oreo as their favorite “candy.”
We’re looking at you, West Virginia.
— HANNAH THORNBY, AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF
Girl’s night out
A flash of glitter, a swoosh of pink feathers and a group of heads sporting plastic tiaras. Chances are if you’ve left the house after 11 p.m. and ventured downtown, this sight isn’t unfamiliar. Bachelorette parties are a downtown Austin staple.
Maybe you won’t be especially surprised to hear that Austin beat out Las Vegas, New York and Miami in a recent poll by website Thumbtack and ranked first as the most-requested bachelorette party destination. The poll cites Austin’s “live music, laid-back nightlife and coveted foodie scene” as to why it appeals to fiancées everywhere.
— AMANDA O’DONNELL, AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF
Bookmarks
Also online during the week that was: When it comes to work, millennials in Austin are doing it for themselves. But apparently, we’re not very good drivers, according to one study. We found out whether Texas is a “gosh” or a “darn” state. We thought about having autumnal leaves shipped from New England to give us an authentic fall. Read more with this column at austin360.com/webbreport.