Self-care opens you up to help others

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received in my early days of serving faith communities was to fire my best volunteers about every three 3 years. Wait … what?!

But it makes sense. Relying on the same people over and over again without giving them, or insisting they take, a break from time to time sets them and the whole system up to fail. It’s simply good stewardship of our resources that we cannot afford to ignore.

Caring for ourselves when caring for and serving others can be a tricky balancing act. We often feel compelled to push ourselves harder and further than is healthy. We mistakenly see self-care as a luxury or feel guilty for taking time away from others to care for our own needs.

To be clear, selfishness is when we take care of our own needs at another’s expense. Self-care is when we take good care of ourselves so that we can show up well for others.

Putting our own oxygen mask on first is more than just good advice from flight attendants; it’s a reminder that exquisite self-care is our first and greatest priority if we wish to be good caregivers. We cannot give to others what we do not have ourselves.

These days, as a professional caregiver, I’m grateful to have learned more with each passing year about the importance of maintaining good boundaries to keep me going for the marathon, rather than blazing out in a sprint. I start by remembering my place in the order of things.

Twenty-eight years ago, as a young, snot-nosed wannabe therapist being trained in psychology by my professors, I heard them speak regularly of patient autonomy. It was the idea that they deserved to have their own process, their own journey, because it was, after all, theirs and not ours.

We were trained to avoid deciding that we knew better than they how to live their own lives. Protecting them from our hubris and overstepping of our boundaries was our utmost responsibility.

This protects not only them, but us, as well. I have enough to handle in my own life without picking up the responsibility for theirs. When I trust others to find their way, and I simply come alongside them to be present with them as they do so, I do a great service to us both. Besides, who am I to believe that I know the mind of G-d about how someone else’s life should unfold or what it should look like?

I can only hold to these boundaries, however, if I am full. When I come to my work or other acts of service and am full because I’ve taken good care of my own needs, have my own connections with people who love me, and am engaging in my own spiritual practices, I have something to give from the overflow of what is inside of me rather than giving from the dregs of what I have.

When I do not tend to my own needs, however, and come to my work empty of love and belonging, rest or nourishment, then I will need something from it to make me feel okay. That neediness on my part can lead me to come to caregiving with my own agenda for what their process will look like; I wind up breaking all the boundaries, usurp their autonomy, and have much less to give.

I’m more likely to develop compassion fatigue, the emotional and physical state that occurs when the amount of care we are taking in isn’t enough to make up for the care we extend.

So, find ways to make room for self-care before trying to give to others from an empty cup; make it your first priority. Then from the overflow of what you have received and been given, you can care for and serve others in a way that is much healthier and self-sustaining for you both.