Olympian’s sister talks about sibling rivalry
Hilary Phelps was 1st in family to compete in pool
The first Phelps child to get into the swimming pool wasn’t Michael. It was Hilary.
While she swam in meet after meet, her younger brother Michael — yes, the one who would later go on to win 18 Olympic gold medals — was dragged along to cheer for her.
Hilary’s sister, Whitney, followed in her footsteps, and then Michael, who is seven years younger than Hilary, was the last one to take a swimming lesson.
“At the time, my parents didn’t want to drive back and forth, between home and the pool, so they enrolled Whitney and Michael in swimming lessons,” said Hilary Phelps, who is now the founder and creative director of the GF Media Group, which provides organizational brand development and expansion services. “I was not only the first child to get in the water, I was also the first one to find competitive success in the sport of swimming.”
But while she was first in many things when it came to swimming, Michael Phelps was the only one in his family to bring home Olympic medals.
When one sibling has an extraordinary talent, parents need to be careful that supporting that talent doesn’t end up tearing the family apart.
Siblings ages 3 to 7 have some sort of conflict, on average, nearly four times per hour, according to a 2005 University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign study. And while the number of conflicts decreases as they get older, the jealousy and resentment may linger — especially in families where one of the siblings is getting more attention.
“At home, parents should make sure that the ‘star’ child is treated the same as everyone else: They should have chores and be disciplined in the same way as the other kids,” said Victoria Dunckley, an integrative child and adolescent psychiatrist in Los Angeles.
Doing chores is an important way to remind the child and the siblings that they’re all part of the same family and they’re all responsible for chores.
But much of the life of an Olympian-to-be — or a child actor or entertainer — is spent outside the home, with a parent catering to his or her every need, driving the child to meets and dealing with an erratic schedule; other siblings may feel left out.
“In a family where one child is extraordinarily gifted and siblings are not so talented, there is always stress for other siblings — it simply can’t be avoided,” said Sylvia Rimm, a psychologist who specializes in gifted children, and author of “How to Parent so Children Will Learn.”
“We recommend trying to encourage the sibling to cheer for their sibling and do certainly involve them in some of the fame and contests, but not necessarily all if possible.”
Rimm said younger siblings have to tag along more, simply because it’s unavoidable at times.
But, she said, parents should encourage older siblings to find their own talents, so that they’re not always just tagging along.
That’s how the Phelps siblings managed to find happiness while cheering on their brother. They were satisfied with their own talents, though they didn’t compete at the Olympic level.
“We all have unique gifts that make us incredible in our own right,” Hilary Phelps said. “In our family, all three siblings have always been equally supportive of our accomplishments through the years, both in and out of the water.”
That’s not always the case for other families with celebrity siblings.
“High School Musical” actor Zac Efron’s younger brother Dylan made headlines in May after Zac shared a poem Dylan wrote in middle school about his famous brother.
“My brother is a movie star, and is only sixteen,” the poem began. “He doesn’t have a job yet. Still, he thinks he is the queen.”
While a certain degree of sibling rivalry is completely normal in any family and isn’t something to avoid altogether, families should help siblings express how they feel, so that negative feelings like these can be managed, Dunckley said.
“Children need to feel encouraged to verbalize how they honestly feel with an in-tune parent who empathizes with the child’s experience, providing comfort if needed,” she said. “Rather than trying to talk a child out of feeling jealous or telling them how they should feel, parents can validate whatever the child’s feeling and ask what would help: ‘I can see how this is hard. What would make you feel better?’ ”
Parents may assume that the rivalry is about the other child’s achievements, but more often, it’s about the way the accomplished sibling is treated by the parents.
An easy fix would be more one-on-one attention with each child, rotating which parent goes to what event, so that each sibling receives undivided attention on a regular basis, Dunckley said.
Hilary Phelps said she always appreciated that her parents were supportive of each of the three Phelps children individually, and she said that went a long way toward raising their self-esteem.
She has this advice for other parents in similar situations: “Recognize that each child is unique and special in their own way. Find and support activities in which each child can grow into their own person.” Danielle Braff is a freelancer.