You can’t wear that! (Or can you?)
Talking to your daughter about clothing without body-shaming her
I met a friend for coffee last week and we spent the majority of our visit talking about how to create a safer, more equitable Chicago and what sort of mayor might lead us there.
Then, toward the end, we switched to bikinis.
Her teenage daughter wanted to wear one. My friend wasn’t sure whether to let her.
For many of you raising daughters, this juxtaposition won’t seem the least bit odd. All conversations, it seems, turn eventually to our daughters’ clothing and how much of it (little of it?) to tolerate.
Especially in the midst of back-to-school wardrobe procuring.
For some parents, it’s simple. Scratch that, nothing about parenting is simple. For some parents, it’s straightforward.
For other parents, it’s a delicate balance of deciding what’s appropriate in an ever-shifting clothing landscape and conveying that to our daughters in a way that doesn’t make them feel like their bodies are shameful, embarrassing things, or that what they wear on those bodies somehow excuses inappropriate behavior from others.
For some parents, “Waaaay too revealing” feels too similar to asking a sexual assault victim, “What were you wearing?” Clothing doesn’t cause rape; rapists cause rape. Does admonishing our daughters to cover up blur that message by implying that her body becomes an irresistible temptation when she shows too much of it?
That’s the gray area where a lot of parents dwell.
“I told my daughter, ‘If you wear something tight on top, you have to wear something loose on the bottom, and if you wear something tight on the bottom, you have to wear something loose on top,’ ” another friend (not the bikini friend) told me recently.
Her daughter responded, “Why?”
“I didn’t know what to say,” my friend said. “Why? I don’t know why.”
This is particularly tricky for parents whose daughters haven’t reached an age yet where they’re interested in crushes or dating. Quite often, they’re not the least bit interested in drawing the attention of a boy; they’re simply interested in wearing what PacSun/ Hollister Co./Zara/Forever 21 Girls is selling. And what they’re selling is skimpy.
I attended educator/ author Michelle Icard’s workshop for moms and middle school daughters in May and this question came up a lot. My friend with the tight-on-top-loose-on-thebottom rule came with me. She was the first mom in the room to raise the topic, but I think every head in the room nodded along in recognition.
On Sunday night, Icard sent an email to everyone who attended that May workshop, letting us know she’s hosting another one in October in Hinsdale.
She also included this note:
“Ever since our day together I’ve been thinking about a great question that came up in our Q&A. At the time, it stumped me, which means I’ve been thinking a lot about it since.
“In short, a mom asked about the clothing her daughter was starting to wear. She didn’t want to limit her daughter’s selfexpression or make her feel like she’s responsible for other people’s reactions to her body. But her daughter was starting to dress in a way that provokes an adult male response and she also didn’t want to expose her daughter to that attention.”
Here’s how Icard said she would answer that question now.
“I think you should be honest with your daughter about your conflict. Tell her that she should never be ashamed of her body and can wear what she wants. She is not responsible for other people’s reactions. Some people are always going to judge. However, I would also tell your daughter that she is getting old enough to sense when she is not comfortable with the kind of attention her clothing choices may (or may not) cause. And sometimes that attention may even make her feel unsafe. That’s not fair. And that’s where the conflict comes in for you. But it’s reality. Outside of meeting the school dress code and being respectfully dressed for other events like babysitting, choral concert, theater with grandma, she can wear what she wants. She is old enough now to start to make those choices for herself.” I like that answer. Some parents might argue that a middle schooler (or high schooler, for that matter) is not old enough to make her own clothing choices, particularly if her parents are still paying for her clothing. I understand that argument too.
What I like best about Icard’s answer, though, is her nudge toward honesty. It’s a complicated topic, and it strikes me as wise, both for the long term and short term, to acknowledge that to your daughter. I also like the way her answer opens up a dialogue, rather than shutting one down.
A colleague offered another idea I love. Her mom, she said, used to ask her, “Why do you want to wear that?” Not in a judgmental or shaming tone. Just as a way of getting her to consider what sort of statement she’s hoping to send with her clothing.
It’s up to each parent to decide what to do with the answer: “I hadn’t thought of it that way. Carry on!” Or, “I hear you. You’re still not leaving the house in that.” Or something in between.
But, again, it launches a dialogue. It keeps your daughter talking to you. And on the clothing topic, as with so many others, that strikes me as the North Star, guiding each and every phase of parenting.
Keep them talking. Hear what they have to say. Act accordingly.