Helicopter parenting isn’t all bad
Plus other tips for parenting teens, from the authors of ‘Grown and Flown’
Balancing Act
Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington, co-founders of the Grown and
Flown website that spawned an enormous online community and a new book, aren’t fans of “helicopter parent” being tossed around as an insult.
“We see it as a very positive thing that kids turn to their parents for advice and support and companionship,” Harrington said.
“When our adult kids ask us about their romantic lives or their financial lives or their jobs, they’re asking someone who has experience,” Heffernan said. “When we were in our 20s, we would ask another 20-year-old, who knew no more than we do. That’s perhaps not ideal.”
With Grown and Flown, Heffernan and Harrington have carved out a space for parents of older kids (aged 15 to 25) to turn for guidance as they navigate the years when parenting books start to dwindle but parenting questions grow increasingly complex.
“Parents are unable to use their own adolescence as a guidepost because parenting has changed so much,” Heffernan said. “That relationship has changed in such a fundamental and seismic way.
“Parents can’t think to themselves, ‘What was it like when I was 15?’
They’re much closer to their kids than previous generations. Our kids are much more willing to talk to us. They want our companionship more. They want to be close to us more.”
That can leave parents in a bind, especially when they’re being warned not to helicopter.
“Nobody missed that memo,” Heffernan said.
In their new book, “Grown and Flown: How To Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family and Raise Independent Adults,” the authors tackle the push/ pull of parenting kids into adulthood.
The duo spoke at New Trier High School last week for a Family Action Network event, and I talked to them by phone ahead of their visit.
1. You can’t Google a value system.
“It’s really important to teach our kids the things they can’t learn on YouTube,” Heffernan said. “Our values, the way our families think, the way we treat people, how you approach a new situation, how you deal with the anxiety and nervousness when you’re new and feel like you’ll never fit in.
“How to do laundry? They can look that up. They will call you from the laundry room in the middle of the night. The other stuff deserves at least as much of our time and care.”
2. They’re listening, so talk to them.
“Talk out loud about things you wouldn’t normally talk about out loud: ‘I’ve got this big thing at work in a month and I’m thinking I better start on the first part of it tonight.’ That can model time management,” Heffernan said.
“Give voice to the things that are on your mind because they can’t read our minds.
“It feels a little stupid, but it’s the same thing we did in the grocery store when they were little: ‘Mommy’s buying grapes! You see the grapes? These are grapes!’ It’s the same kind of teaching on a much more sophisticated level.”
3. Pretend they’re not yours.
“Sometimes when you’re trying to decide how much help to offer your kid, it can be useful to pretend, briefly, that they’re not your kid,” Harrington said. “It takes your own ego out of the equation and helps you decide whether you’re helping for the child’s sake or your own.
“If I had a neighbor with a teenager who was interested in the industry I work in, or a niece or nephew who wanted to learn more about my industry, I’d be thrilled to help them make connections, maybe see if they could shadow someone at work for a while. Certainly you should do that for your own child.
“Now, if your niece said, ‘I’m having a hard time with this English professor in college,’ you would not call that professor for her. Likewise, you should not call your kid’s English professor.”
4. Don’t look for age milestones.
“We get in that mindset, ‘By six months they should be sitting up; by one year they should be walking,’ ” Heffernan said. “There is no, ‘By 15 they should be able to X; by 17 they should be able to X.’ Instead, you need to be looking for forward progress. In whatever they’re capable of now, six months from now, are they more capable?’ ”
5. Life is like a car.
“Hold in your mind the metaphor of driving and keep yourself in the passenger seat,” Heffernan said. “When you’re in the passenger seat, you advise. When you’re in the passenger seat, you only grab the wheel when you think your kid is about to harm somebody or themselves. You don’t grab the wheel because you’d rather they drive in the slow lane than the fast lane.
“Ask yourself, ‘Am I teaching an adulting skill? Am I imparting something that will allow them to be an adult?’ When we’re in a teaching role, we’re in the right role.”
6. If we’re lucky, the road is long.
“Our relationship with our young adults will last longer than our relationship with our adolescents and little kids, God willing,” Harrington said. “My mother’s 92. My relationship with her as a young adult and adult has lasted many more decades than when I was a kid.
“We’ve gone to being friends and confidants, and I’ve asked her for advice rather than her telling me what to do. We want our young adults looking to us for advice and support and companionship.”