Ssurveyed
How to have a conversation about finances as relationship grows
| pring brings thoughts of renewal and love, and, although it’s not sexy, money talks should be part of growing relationships. Fortunately, we are far removed from the days when discussing money was taboo. In fact, Bankrate found that 35% of millennials said they would feel comfortable discussing topics like credit scores and salary on a first date.
You don’t want to appear too eager to learn all about your new boyfriend or girlfriend’s finances right away, but there are questions you can ask to get an assessment of money intelligence and compatibility without overwhelming him or her. As you get deeper into the relationship, you can learn more and ask more probing questions.
Here are some questions to ask yourself and tips on how to map out your initial financial conversations with your significant other, according to money saving expert, Andrea Woroch, and therapist and author Shannon Thomas.
Does his or her spending match income?
Thomas says that early in the relationship, it’s important to pay attention to your date’s lifestyle and how he or she spends money, and on what.
“Does that fit the income level that you’re kind of assuming they might be at?” Thomas said.
Thomas, the author of “Exposing Financial Abuse” and “Healing from Hidden Abuse,” said the first three months of a relationship are about getting to know each other and also should include observing whether a person spends lavishly or constantly talks about his or her funds being scarce.
What’s his or her financial history?
Woroch notes that discussing a person’s financial history, including his or her family’s approach to money, is necessary as the relationship deepens.
“Talk about short-term and longterm goals, financial knowledge and debt. Credit health will be another topic to tackle … so you don’t run into any hurdles and potential fights when trying to rent an apartment together,” Woroch said.
If your approaches to finances differ, Woroch advises, “try to figure out,
‘Will this partner be open to changing their financial habits?’ ”
And if not, is it a deal-breaker, or is it minor enough that you can accept it?
Thomas also recommends looking into a person’s job history.
“Sure there are toxic work environments … but do we see two or three or four different kinds of situations where this person didn’t reach their full potential
supposedly or (was) targeted at work? Because a lot of times people that have employment instability really are the problem, and they don’t see it at all,” Thomas said.
If he or she is in debt, is there a plan to fix it?
While things like debt or living with parents may be red flags that a person’s finances are in trouble, the experts say a person should try to get a full idea of the new partner’s money profile.
“If this is somebody that you do care about and could see yourself with, open up about it and just be totally honest,” Woroch said.
Thomas notes that there may be valid reasons for a person’s financial distresses, and those reasons should be taken into account when deciding whether or not to pursue a serious relationship. The person may be diligent about paying down debt after going through a rough period.
But sometimes it’s more worrisome. “Do I want to consider dating someone who is struggling at this time or would I rather date somebody who has walked through that struggle and is on the other side of it?” Thomas said. “We have to be very careful that we’re not getting into a fixing or codependency … mode.”
How will each person handle spending?
As the relationship grows, couples should talk in more detail about their finances and financial beliefs and how bills and monetary obligations will be handled.
“This might be a time to talk more openly about … what you’re planning, maybe talking about how ... your spending habits align with any future goals you have. ‘What are your goals in the future? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have a family? Do you want to buy a house eventually?’” Woroch said.
Before marriage, Thomas said a couple should consider how they would handle a potential divorce, and this discussion should preferably happen when the relationship is in a good place.
“That’s one of the best times to make the decisions about how we would care for one another if this didn’t work out. Not when things are … tense,” Thomas said.
“There is a business to a marriage … and you never know what is going to happen down the road,” Woroch said.
Is the person’s behavior a sign of more serious problems?
Thomas says certain financial behaviors can be red flags that a person may become financially controlling or abusive.
“It takes time to get somebody in a financially abusive relationship; it takes commingling of some debts of their life together. But there are red flags ... that happen in the dating process,” Thomas said.
Financial abuse exists on a spectrum, she says, and can involve one partner wanting the other to bankroll his or her lifestyle or only giving someone a small allowance to live on. Financially abusive partners may also take out lines of credit in their partners’ names.
A 2017 study by CentSai showed that nearly two-thirds of millennials are victims of financial abuse or infidelity (lies about money).
Thomas said that “there’s a breeding ground there for exploitation where one partner is paying for certain things and the other partner is paying for maybe less because they’re saying that they make less money.”
On a happier note, financial discussions in a growing relationship can be a stepping stone to a fresh, healthier outlook.
“If they have those same goals but maybe … their spending isn’t aligning to those, then perhaps they would be open to changing it if they realize now ‘I’m going to be falling short of reaching those goals and creating a life that I wanted,’ ” Woroch said.