ULTIMATE IN SOCIAL DISTANCING
People are giving long-distance relationships a go during the pandemic, but can they work?
By now, you know the drill: If something was hard before the pandemic, it’s even harder during it. That goes for work-life balance, for parenting and especially for finding the will to change out of your favorite sweatpants.
But when it comes to dating long distance, it’s not quite as clearcut. If you were in a long-distance relationship before the pandemic began, you’re likely fairly practiced in sustaining it from afar, said
Theresa DiDonato, an associate professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland and an expert in romantic relationships. It’s the newer couplings — those created shortly before or since the start of the pandemic — that may be on more fragile ground.
That’s not to say that people aren’t giving it a go. The dating website OkCupid has seen an 83% increase in new users setting their location preferences to “anywhere” since the pandemic began, said a spokesperson for the company. Survey results published in October
from Match.com, another dating site, show 51% of respondents said they were more open to a long-distance relationship than in previous years.
“In normal times, I think the challenges of dating long distance might have prevented us from deciding to try it,” said Joey White, a resident physician in Ann Arbor, Michigan, who met his Washington, D.C.-based boyfriend in May. “But basically every other aspect of life is virtual right now anyway. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to only communicate over FaceTime.”
A new long-distance relationship is the ultimate in social distancing. Can it survive a pandemic? Here’s how to give it your best shot.
Talk about when you’re going to talk
When you’re dating long distance, it’s imperative to “set clear expectations around when and how you’ll communicate,” said Logan Ury, director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge and author of the book, “How to
Not Die Alone.” “Some people like texting back and forth all day, but others find it distracting. Establish early on how often you’ll be in touch and for what duration.”
When you’re setting up a recurrent video chat, choose times you can commit to, so your partner feels they’re a priority, said Bela Gandhi, a dating coach and the founder of the coaching service Smart Dating Academy. A little self-awareness can also go a long way.
“If you know you’re not a nighttime person, don’t schedule FaceTimes for 10 p.m.,” she said. “You don’t want to be tired and grumpy when you talk.”
Even in geographically close relationships, people’s attachment anxieties can be triggered by stressful situations, said DiDonato — like, say, a deadly pandemic.
“They often need more reassurance that the relationship is working and that the other person wants to be with them,” she said.
But when you are dating long distance, it’s harder to console your partner on demand. And for someone who is already feeling insecure, an unanswered text can seem like a tragedy when it’s really just a time zone thing.
To keep it on an even keel, work periodic check-ins into the communication plan, said DiDonato. “You can say, ‘Hey, I notice you don’t reply when I text in the morning. Is that not working for you?’ ”
Be there even when you can’t be there
Anna Hosey, a hairdresser in Chicago, lives almost 4,000 miles from her fiance in London.
But they still dress up for meals together, lit by candles and the glow of their laptops, even if one of them is eating dinner and the other is having a midnight snack.
It’s important to create quality time virtually, said Ury, and that doesn’t just mean segueing from work-Zoom to date-Zoom at your desk.
“Go for a walk together,” she said. “Pick a time you can both get outside, then call each other and describe what you see.”
Scheduling virtual dates can be a critical way of cultivating what DiDonato called interdependence — that is, weaving your lives together.
“In high interdependence relationships, your partner is always at the back of your mind,” she said. “You see Brussels sprouts at the grocery store and you think, ‘Oh, she likes those, I’ll get some.’ ”
Creating mutual experiences from afar can give you a way to intertwine your lives — cruciferous vegetables optional. Hosey and her fiance watched all 62 episodes of “Breaking Bad” together on separate continents — “we literally said, ‘3, 2, 1’ and pressed play at the same time,” she said. Gandhi advises couples to choose a new recipe together, then video chat while making it.
Equally important in long-distance relationships, said Ury, is responding to your partner’s bid for emotional connection, an idea coined by psychological researcher John Gottman.
“If they send you an article, do you read it and move on or do you write back with a reply?” she said.
And don’t forget to make bids too.
“Reach out and ask how that hard meeting went,” she said. “It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about doing small things often.”
Get awkward early
Commit not just to the relationship — are you seeing each other exclusively? — but also to a mutual plan for its path, Gandhi said.
“Make sure you’re on the same page about where you’re going,” she advised. “Long distance is fine for a while, but you need an end goal.”
That means having big conversations and having them upfront.
“Don’t whittle away two years of your lives without ever asking, ‘Would you move here or would I move there? Do you want to get married? Do you want kids?” Gandhi said.
The upside is that there’s plenty of time to talk.
“Often in long-distance relationships, people say, ‘I just want to enjoy this perfect weekend together, I don’t want a heavy conversation,’ so you end up pushing it down the road longer than you should,” DiDonato said.
With travel paused, you can get to the nittygritty sooner. If the relationship feels worth conserving, said DiDonato, it helps to take the long view. There is evidence to suggest that long-distance relationships “can have just as much intimacy, high quality communication and satisfaction as geographically close relationships,” she said.
Above all, remember that this too shall pass.
“It’s just a temporary sacrifice of physical nearness,” DiDonato said. “Eventually, it’ll end.”