Allow bridesmaids a choice in their dresses for wedding

Dear Miss Manners: What are the responsibilities of a bridesmaid?

My wedding was several years ago, but one of my bridesmaids recently contacted me because someone told her that a bridesmaid is supposed to pay for her own dress. At the time of my wedding, I thought it felt odd to ask someone to pay for a dress of my choosing, so I didn’t say anything and paid for all the dresses myself. Though at the time, I certainly would have appreciated the financial help.

Since so much time has passed, I simply thanked my bridesmaid and told her not to worry about the cost of the dress. But it got me thinking about all the other “duties” people claim bridesmaids are responsible for: showers, bachelorette parties, helping the bride with planning, decorations and getting dressed on the big day.

My own bridesmaids did little more than walk down the aisle and stand there, and I confess I did feel a little neglected at the time. What can a bride reasonably ask of her attendants?

Gentle reader: To show up at the wedding clothed and sober. At least enough to give the toast.

However, Miss Manners will add to the bride’s responsibilities: not to find ways to harbor newfound resentment years after the fact. While you were not required to pay for the dresses, it was generous. The honor of paying for a dress that will only be worn once is not, in fact, a treat and should be acknowledged, even if not monetarily. Allowing the bridesmaids some choice in the matter would be magnanimous and appreciated.

The long list of things that have become commonplace for the wedding party to pay for includes, but is not limited to: multiple bridal (and sometimes baby) showers with accompanying presents, bachelor and bachelorette parties in far-off tropical places, elaborate and expensive clothing for all such occasions, flights, hotels, and who knows what else. (Although the pandemic has led to charmingly modest weddings, inflated registries seem to have sprung up as compensation.)

Miss Manners has noticed that because of the exorbitant cost, it has also become commonplace to decline the offer, causing rifts in friendships. You might hold on to the warm feelings that seem to have preserved yours by not indulging in feelings of latent neglect and entitlement now.

A gentleman I know only because he’s married to an old high school classmate has written and self-published a rather long novel on a topic I know and care nothing about. In a recent online get-together with his wife and some of our other high school chums, he asked if he could “pitch” his book to us, then proceeded to describe the book, where it could be purchased and for what price. We all politely expressed our admiration for his achievement.

Yesterday, a copy of the book arrived at my home. I immediately thanked the author in neutral terms: “Imagine my surprise when I discovered a copy

Dear Miss Manners:

of your tome on my doorstep! It is a handsome volume, indeed. Thanks so much for adding it to my library!”

But now I am at a loss as to what to do when he inevitably queries me about what I thought of it. I don’t want to lie, yet I also don’t want to hurt this fellow’s feelings about a work he says he wrote over a 35-year period.

Gentle reader: Would you consider it a lie to say, “I’m looking forward to reading it”?

Yes? Well, then, how about, “I’m anxious to read it”? “Anxious” doesn’t mean the same thing as “eager,” you know. And you do sound to Miss Manners as if you are truly anxious at the prospect of having to read it.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a chronic knee problem that causes me to walk slowly — not a standstill, but slow enough that when in a group, I am always left behind. I catch up when I can. It embarrasses me to be so obvious. What can I or should I say when I am left in the dust?

Gentle reader: “Wait up, folks”?

Of course, they then forget and it happens all over again. Miss Manners, whose dainty stature (she’s short) puts her in this position, has found it effective to wait until the others notice that she is missing — perhaps they have even been talking to her, eyes straight ahead, and eventually wonder why she doesn’t answer.