How to politely tell a roommate to clean
Q: Your roommate is slacking on cleaning. You get that they may be busy, but so are you, and dishes in the sink for days and messy shared spaces are really getting under your skin. How do you politely tell them to clean up, without being passive-aggressive or overly confrontational?
A: Roommates are hard. It’s such a blessing when you have a good roommate, so something to keep in mind is to weigh the pros and cons, because if you’ve got a really good roommate, I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff. If you’ve mindfully made the decision that this is worth talking about, I would say bring something up when it’s bothering you — don’t let it fester.
It’s always best to bring it up in a very casual but polite way: “Hey, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d be so grateful if you could get to those dishes in the sink,” while also acknowledging that you know they’re busy.
Try to nip it in the bud before getting aggravated, because a lot of the problems happen when you approach your roommate the wrong way and they don’t know why you’re so angry at them. If the problem persists, check in with them again, being considerate and asking something like, “Can I help you in some way? Is there something going on? I think we’ve been such good roommates, and it’s important that we keep trying to be good roommates to each other.”
After that, if the problem is not solved, you need to ask yourself if the roommate’s cleaning habits are just something you have to accept and that their good outweighs the bad, or if maybe you shouldn’t be living together anymore. Could this be a symptom of a bigger problem?
— Rachel Sussman, licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer and lecturer, and author of “The Breakup Bible”
A: If you’re telling your roommate for the first time that they need to be on top of their cleaning, you’re already a bit too late. As a resident advisor (RA) at a college, we I have roommate agreements where we discuss all of these issues before the year starts so expectations are clear.
One thing to make very clear with your roommate in the beginning is communicating that “Hey, we don’t need to be cleaning every single day, but I would appreciate if (blank),” and then communicate clearly what you need. It’s important for you and your roommate to come to a middle ground of understanding where the other is coming from, and make compromises.
I know that some people are not as straightforward or they don’t like confrontation. As hard as it is, try to gain the courage to have these conversations and learn how to set boundaries. Remember that you both are living in this area, and you both have a responsibility to keep it clean.
You addressing the problem is not demanding; it’s understandable. At the same time, try not to be rude because no one likes being told what to do. Express your feelings, but phrasing is important.