If he couldn’t pay for dinner, he shouldn’t have offered

Dear Miss Manners: In my close circle of friends and family, I am the individual with the highest income. I have no issue paying when a small group of us go out to dinner. My friends do not take advantage of my generosity.

But now I’ve had an awkward dining experience: The person I went to dinner with offered to pay, I accepted, and it became clear afterward that they had not expected me to accept.

How can I graciously accept someone else’s offer to pay, while still allowing those who feel a need to make the hollow gesture? My preference would be for them not to make the gesture at all if they were not actually comfortable paying, but I can only control my actions.

I do not want to always insist on paying, but I also do not want my less financially fortunate friends to pay for my meal if they do not want to. Thanking them for offering and then telling them it is unnecessary feels a little condescending, but is that the proper way to handle this? I am honestly at a loss.

Gentle reader: Etiquette does not, contrary to popular belief, sanction hollow gestures. Wishing someone a good day may not be as hefty as working for world peace, and blessing someone who sneezes may not have liturgical significance. But both should be meant, if not deeply felt.

Offering to pay for the meal means something, and not because it involves money, but because it is a way of showing hospitality. If your friend did not intend to do that, then he should have kept silent. Certainly he should not expect you to have inferred his insincere intent. If he wants to reciprocate your generosity, he can do so at less cost, perhaps by inviting you to some other activity.

If you do not want to burden him with this expense, then offer to pay for it, to split the cost or to go to a less expensive establishment. But don’t give him credit for something he was not prepared to do, or feel bad for taking him at his word.

Is it inappropriate to ask those taking care of you — like a dental hygienist, dentist or manicurist, e.g. — if they have been vaccinated for the virus, or if they have been recently tested?

I had a tooth pulled recently, and began to wonder, due to their very close proximity to my open mouth, if it would be offensive to them if I asked. I would never ask someone about these things in normal times.

Dear Miss Manners:

Gentle reader: You would still have a right to expect a safe and clean environment. What do you think all of those health notices on the walls are for?

These businesses have no qualms about holding you to a safety standard — even asking you to sign an affidavit before they will see you — so there is no reason to be embarrassed for asking for one in return.

Miss Manners suggests that when you make these appointments, you ask the staff what their safety protocol is — even if it is already listed on their website. Procuring these assurances is reasonable.

Dear Miss Manners: If COVID-19 is under control in 2022, my daughter, my granddaughter and I are planning a visit to Scotland, Ireland, Wales, the Isle of Man and Lisbon. We are planning on attending a high tea at Edinburgh Castle. What does one wear to a high tea? How does one comport themselves?

Gentle reader: You may have been misled by the constant misuse of “high tea” by American hotels, which focus on the adjective, thinking it refers to “high society.”

In fact, it is the opposite. High society — a term that, when coined, meant “people who wouldn’t dream of working for a living because they didn’t have to” — developed “afternoon tea.” This ritual consisted of dainty sandwiches, scones and sweets to quiet their stomach rumblings between meals.

In contrast, high tea is a full meal: supper for workers who go to bed early in order to be at work the next morning, or for children who are banished before the adult fun starts. Therefore, high tea includes meat and other hot foods and baked goods.

It is Miss Manners’ understanding that in Scotland, high tea is somewhat closer to afternoon tea in England, but it is still not quite the same thing, because it includes hot food — meat pie, fish, game or such — and hearty baked goods.

Dress and comportment are the same as for any daytime meal in a nice place, but you might want to check with the castle before making dinner reservations.