Parents frequently misconstrue meaning of ‘don’t tell Dad’
Q. Over the years my kids have asked me, “Don’t tell Dad,” for fear he would get angry. I have kept a few minor things in confidence, but now my 15-year-old daughter has debilitating cramps when she is on her period and her doctor has prescribed birth control pills to control the problematic symptoms. She has asked me, “Don’t tell Dad.” She does not want to discuss her period with him, and she thinks he won’t believe the pills are to control her periods, but to prevent pregnancy. I think her father has the right to know, but if I tell him I will be betraying my daughter. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. The problem you’re facing is not exclusive to co-parents. Parents who live together face the same sort of, “Don’t tell Mom or Dad,” when a child thinks one of their parents will be angry or disappointed in something they have done. But, when this request is made after a parental breakup, parents frequently misconstrue what is meant when their child asks, “Please don’t tell Dad/Mom.” Children know their family dynamic. They know which parent will call them out and which parent will run defense for them and when parents live in two separate homes and rarely check in with each other, the child learns very quickly how to manipulate the situation.
You set precedent when you kept a few minor things in confidence. A child will constantly test the waters.
There are ways to approach this without betraying your child or your co-parent:
1. Check your mindset: Remember, it’s not you and the child against dad or mom. It’s dad and mom together for the child.
2. Don’t let a child believe you will keep something from their other parent — and don’t expect your child to keep secrets for you.
3. Try enlisting the help of a trusted third party.
Once you lay the proper groundwork, try something like,
“Honey, your dad loves you and is concerned about your welfare. If you feel uncomfortable, we can talk to him together and we can even get Dr. Smith to weigh in to help your dad understand why the prescription is necessary.”