Stay away from the blame game in family talks
Q. I have a bonus family. My husband has two kids and I have two kids. We’ve added a son three years ago. We have tried your suggestion of a family discussion to air differences, but things seem to spin out of control. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Family discussions are great ways to problem-solve, but bonus families must be careful that they remain a forum for conflict resolution and not just venting sessions. If the discussion is filled with “you always do this” or “you never do that,” the conversation is bound to spin out of control.
Why? Because it’s human nature to hear two words first and lose sight of the gist of the observation . Once those words are entered into the discussion, people are on the defense and not listening. Their response is rarely, “Really? I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” It’s usually, “I do not!” The common response is then, “You do too!” Back and forth until the observation is lost and you’re fighting about fighting.
Anytime you air your differences or are looking for a solution to a problem with someone, stay away from the blame game. Teach family members to use “I messages” to explain how they feel. There’s a very simple model you can follow that really works in discussions.
When my husband and I wanted to talk to the kids about whatever we saw needed to improve, we approached it from a “we’re all in this together” approach. The discussion worked really well. The amusing thing was when the kids called a family discussion on us. We were floored. We had no idea something we were doing — working too many hours — was bothering them.
So take a look at your approach. You may have to tweak what you are doing for it to work for your specific needs. Try to stay flexible.