Rethink that old-school attitude on breakups
Q. My sister-in-law is best friends with my husband’s ex-wife. Before we got married, they had a tradition that their families spent the holidays together. They have done it for years and want to continue it even though we are now married. The kids are supposed to be with their mother this year, so they will be at my sister-in-law’s
— and so will my husband’s ex. My husband wants to go, but I don’t. I’ve been very patient for years, going to soccer games when she’s there, going to backto-school night when she’s there. We are married now, and I don’t feel like I have to do it anymore. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Good ex-etiquette, to be honest and straightforward, is not just for exes or co-parents; it’s a guide to all people dealing with an ex situation. Being honest is the basis for any good relationship. It sounds as if you married this man under false pretenses. In your defense, everyone wants to be the most important person to their partner.
But you can’t approach a relationship with someone with children like you would a first-time relationship, particularly if they have an amicable co-parenting relationship with their children’s other parent. If you poise yourself in competition with their children or even their co-parent, you are asking your partner to choose. That’s an unfair demand.
To have a successful relationship, you need to be there for your partner. I think you are letting an old-school breakup attitude color a working relationship. If that’s what you are doing, rethink the attitude. Not wanting to celebrate a holiday with your partner’s ex is understandable — but you did for years! Forcing family members to abandon traditions now that you are married will not be accepted kindly. I predict you will become the odd person out. Better to look for ways to adjust to family traditions using love, acceptance and putting the children first as your guide.