Hosting the host should serve as reminder to learn to say no
Dear Miss Manners: A friend of mine, who lives in the same city, recently reached out: She had invited guests to stay with her the coming weekend, but the number of guests meant that she had nowhere to sleep, so she wanted to know if she could stay with me.
I said yes, but that I would be preparing for a work trip, leaving early Sunday morning for the airport. I said she was welcome to stay overnight and leave the keys on the counter when she left.
I truly don’t mind having guests — it’s why I bought a place with extra space — but it feels like her agreement to host her guests has somehow ended up my responsibility. And I had only a few days’ notice to clean my house and prepare the guest room, when I assume she’s known for a while that she had folks flying in from out of town.
I know I could’ve said no, and probably should’ve, but now that I’m obligated, I’m just interested in the etiquette here. If you offer to host out-of-town guests and end up putting yourself out of your own home, is becoming someone else’s guest really the most elegant solution?
Gentle reader: As you know, you should have said no. Your friend doesn’t know how to say no, either, or she would not find herself crowded out of her own home. Acting against your own interests is not a violation of etiquette, but Miss Manners believes that you would both profit from learning to say “I’m so sorry, but ...”
Perhaps standing by your word, which is the decent thing to do, will remind you to refrain from making commitments you will later regret.
It’s normal for a parent to express pride in regard to their child’s achievements. Is it possible to voice what certainly feels like pride in the achievements of close family and friends without being paternalistic?
If I say I’m proud of my sister for reaching a work milestone, or of my friend for a beautiful birthday cake he made, am I implying I take some credit for it — like a parent might in their child? Am I overthinking this? I don’t want to offend anyone.
Dear Miss Manners:
Gentle reader: For which Miss Manners assures you, she feels pride. Those looking to take offense can certainly find condescension in the sentiment — or more likely in its tone, depending on how it is said. Because in Miss Manners’ opinion, it is not so much the idea of taking credit as it is the implication that you thought the task could not be achieved. Therefore, she suggests you save that pride in making a cake for someone other than your friend.
Dear Miss Manners: I do not know how to write an obituary for the person I chose not to marry, but whose engagement ring I have been wearing for 16 years while we lived together.
I am fine with calling him my “fiancé.” My problem: I have two sons from a previous relationship who became very close to him after their father’s death. Are they to be mentioned in the obituary? Also their children?
Gentle reader: As living arrangements have changed, so have obituaries. Listing those closest to the departed serves not only as a record, but to notify others where sympathy would be appreciated.
Offhand, Miss Manners cannot think of the word to describe the bond your sons feel, but has no problem with your mentioning them among those who are bereaved.
Dear Miss Manners:
Shortly after I suffered a leg injury, I was invited to a friend’s house party. The party was pleasant, but exhausting in my injured condition.
After a few hours of socializing, I was ready to leave. I apologized to the host for leaving so early and said my goodbyes. To my dismay, I left the house to find that my car was trapped behind two rows of cars, and there was no valet to move them out
of the way. I was forced to return to the party and wait about an hour for one guest to leave, and ask another to switch parking spots with me. Is there something you’d recommend I do if this happens in the future?
Gentle reader: There is indeed: Ask your friend to sort it out in the moment. That is one of the many duties of a host. Miss Manners would be surprised, and concerned, if your friend is not horrified to learn that you unwillingly spent an hour at the party, exhausted and in pain.
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.