Relative of transgressor should address boundary issue
Q: My husband’s ex-wife and I get along well, and as a result, she thinks she can just walk into our home any time she feels like it. My husband does not want to confront her. He’s happy they are no longer arguing. And since I have a good relationship with her and I’m regarded as the peacemaker in this family, he wants me to be the one to talk to her. He says she won’t get mad at me. I don’t think it’s my place. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: First, for clarification, I imagine your husband and his co-parent share custody of their kids, they go back and forth between your homes, and you have forged a friendship with his ex. Kudos, based on this difficult dynamic. But with it comes the problem you are experiencing — the other home might become too familiar.
When you run into a situation where boundaries must be reinforced, a good rule of thumb is that the person who is related to the “perpetrator” is the one to address the issue.
That means if it’s your relative who is doing something, it’s your job to confront that relative. In this case, she is your husband’s co-parent, so he should be the one to address the situation.
It’s time for you and your husband to agree on what boundaries should be in place in your home, and then dad takes the lead. When he does, his explanation will carry more weight if he honestly presents his discontent and doesn’t blame you. A simple, “Please don’t drop by without calling first” is perfect. Not, “It doesn’t really bother me, but Terri feels uncomfortable when you just walk in.” That’s throwing your partner under the bus. Many take this approach believing that the message will sting less if it’s presented like this. It won’t. It just makes him look wishy-washy and that his partner runs the show.