Digital theater programs spur phone use, create etiquette trap

Dear Miss Manners:

A theater we visit has stopped handing out printed programs. Instead, it makes a digital version of the program available to view on a smartphone. In general, I see this as a positive move, since it prevents paper waste. Moreover, it makes it easier to look at the program in a darkened auditorium.

The problem is that at one show we attended, my husband saw an usher chastising someone for using a phone during the show. By barring phone use, the theater bars access to the program, as well.

I understand that theater etiquette requires cellphones to be silenced during a performance, and I always do so. And I realize it’s inconsiderate to the performers to be checking texts or playing games while they are on stage.

But is it really rude to use a phone just to check the program and see the name of the piece that’s currently being played? If so, what’s the point of providing it at all? Are guests expected to download the program before the show and print it out?

Gentle reader: A new etiquette trap! First they make you use your telephone, and then they call you out for doing so.

Yes, you want to consult the program, if only to check whether Malvolio is the same person you saw last month as Second Grave Digger. And yes, it is rude to use your telephone, because it will cast a distracting light.

But how would you have checked this midplay with a paper program? Unless you sit close enough to get spinoff light from the stage, it would have been difficult.

You could, as you seem to suggest, bring your printer to the theater. Otherwise, Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to wait to do that checking at intermission.

Dear Miss Manners: I carry an umbrella everywhere, and sometimes find myself walking with another person, or with a group, when it starts raining. I want to use my umbrella, but it becomes awkward.

Sharing with one other person is OK, but we end up walking uncomfortably close. If it’s a group, it’s not really possible to fit everyone under.

It doesn’t seem polite to use it alone and let the others get wet. Sometimes I don’t even pull out the umbrella to avoid the situation altogether. Do you have any advice for how to handle this?

Gentle reader: Etiquette does ask you to try to share the fruits of your foresight. It has less interest in whether you succeed, which Miss Manners says to offer comfort, and not merely because she is scurrying to the nearest shelter.

Hold the umbrella far enough away from you to show intent, and couple this with a concerned look. That this will not keep anyone dry is the weather’s fault, not yours.

After a house guest departed, I discovered multiple places where they had “helped,” but ultimately made more work for me. For example, when taking out my recycling, I found a layer of food scraps that I had to painstakingly remove.

Is there a polite way of

Dear Miss Manners:

bringing up such things before or during their next visit? While I can be vigilant and collect dishes and food scraps myself, that still leaves the possibility of other ways, known and unknown, in which they are likely to try to help.

This isn’t the first guest who has done this. I am frustrated, and find myself designing a curriculum for a class for my guests. But I suspect that will not come off well.

Gentle reader: As even roommates, spouses and children (Miss Manners makes no claim about whether these are distinct groups) may occasionally fail to follow house rules, temporary houseguests must be allowed more latitude.

Holding a class would be insulting, not to mention poorly attended, but it is also unnecessary. A proper guest asks before doing anything significant. A proper host may remind them of this by offering, “Let me know if you need anything or are not sure where something goes,” and by taking out of their hands things that should not be done — with the assurance of, “Please let me do this; you are my guest.”

Dear Miss Manners: What is a good response, if any, when a husband tells a woman, “I wish my wife was built like you” — in front of his wife?

Gentle reader: “Your wife has a wish or two of her own right now.”

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas

Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.