Rape survivor struggles with secret

Dear Amy: I am in the most loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often. He knows nearly everything about me. The last thing — the thing he doesn’t know — is my protected secret.

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Few people knew, even then. It took me years to admit it. Lately, I have felt guilty that I have not told my love this deep secret, not because it is painful for me to talk about (I’ve suppressed it enough to numb it) but because I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t make him feel blindsided, confused or even angry.

I feel like it’s something he needs to know, and I feel like I am hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel this way. How do I position this and bring it up in conversation?

— Protected Secret

Dear Protected: I’m sorry you went through this. Understand that you get to feel whatever you feel, including guilt, sadness and anxiety. The way you process this will likely change over time.

You might start by reframing, to yourself, the language you use to describe your rape. You think of it as a “deep dark secret.” It is something you are hiding. Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy sense of self, your personal, creative or professional successes — these things define you.

And so no, you should not “position this and bring it up in conversation.”

Rape is not something you bring up in conversation. It IS the conversation.

I am a firm believer in practicing as a way to prepare yourself for a challenging experience or conversation. Write down your thoughts.

Choose a time and space where you feel comfortable and where neither of you will be distracted. I suggest starting with: “I have something to talk to you about. This is hard, so I hope you’ll bear with me while I get through it. When I’m done, if you have questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”

If you two have a loving future together, your and his stories go along with you.

Remember this: So many survivors stand alongside you. I hope you can picture an army of supportive survivor-warriors who all have your back. You would benefit from professional counseling and group support. Contact RAINN.org for online and telephone counseling.

Dear Amy: My wife and I are in our late 70s. We have recently attended six family weddings.

Amy, young couples don’t think about things such as handicap accessibility, and this creates great difficulty for those guests who can’t climb stairs or stay out late.

The last wedding we attended had no reception line, so we never said hello to the principals of the wedding. We had to leave promptly after the reception to make the long trip home. We left a cash gift at the appropriate spot and have not yet been thanked.

Are we being difficult?

— Upset Elders

Dear Upset: No, you are not being difficult. I agree that marrying couples often do not consider the physical limitations of some of their guests. However, you could do more to advocate for your safety. An outdoor venue, for instance, might present particular challenges. You should do your best to find out in advance what conditions you might encounter.

Generally, it is not wise to leave cash on the gift table. I assume you wonder if the couple has received it, and because they haven’t thanked you, you will have to ask them.

Many marrying couples don’t seem to understand that their weddings are important family events and that they should be inclusive and accessible.

Dear Amy: I normally like your advice, but I was upset by your response to “Upset Parents,” whose young child used a racial slur at school. I thought your answer was harsh and bullying.

— Upset

Dear Upset: Other readers responded similarly. For me, the trigger was when the parents described themselves as “steadfast liberals,” as if that gave their own flawed parenting a pass. They seemed to take no responsibility for the incident.