Weigh in on troubled teen with tact

DearAmy: My friend and co-worker has a teenage son (age 15) who has unfortunately been in trouble for most of his life. This has gotten worse the older he gets. (I am not talking about small incidents either. There has been racism, violence and other problems that are serious.)

He has been disciplined several times already at school, and nowis currently attending the “alternative” school and has been kicked off both band and athletics, in which he excelled.

She seems to have rose-colored glasses on and does not seem to understand the severity of his actions, nor the recourse for them. She is also hard-headed and must always be right.

She has asked my opinion several times, and I have generally deferred, knowing it will upset her. Should I tell her what I think, or simply let it go?

— A Friend

DearA: If you have personal or professional experience dealing with an extremely challenging teenager, then you should weigh in (when invited) and share every ounce of expertise and commiseration you can.

In short, can you actually help her? If so, you should. Merely stating your opinion about how badly her son is messing up (or highlighting the severity of his offenses so she’ll pay closer attention) might make you feel righteous but wouldn’t offer a pathway toward change.

The way you present your friend’s personality, I could imagine that there are ways her own temperament might have contributed to her son’s behavior. Again, offering an indictment of her personality or parenting style isn’t likely to inspire change.

If you lack expertise, you might gain traction by asking questions: Has she been offered professional help? Has he? Has she been following professional recommendations?

Listen to her answers with compassion, and if she asks you what she should do, say, “Every child is different. I can’t really say what you should do, but I can tell you what I would try to do.” If she responds defensively, you’ll know she isn’t ready or able to listen.

There is no one answer in how to parent a troubled child. It is a very long and lonely road. Be extremely judicious in doling out advice, while offering support in abundance.

DearAmy: My mother passed away earlier this year. Shortly afterward, my father started seeing someone. She has basically moved in with him.

Before I knew about his new romantic partner, my wife and I were planning to have Christmas dinner at his home since they are part of our quarantine bubble of four. We were also planning on doing a Zoom dinner with my mom’s side of the family.

They have no clue about this relationship, and I imagine there’s going to be a lot of awkwardness if we do this. What do you think I should do to reduce this awkwardness?

My wife thinks I should ask my father to try to be more transparent. He hasn’t given me many details about his new partner, so I don’t know much about her.

I know it would be easier not to participate in a Zoom dinner, but maintaining my relationship with Mom’s family is extra important to me now that she is no longer with us.

— Feeling Awkward

DearAwkward: Please accept my condolences. The holiday season will likely be quite tough for you this year — for many reasons. I can understand why you are anxious about this particular episode.

You don’t say whether your father wants to do a Zoom gathering from his house. Remember, as you worry about this, that it is up to him to manage introducing his new partner to other people, and that includes managing the awkwardness. You should try to detach from your own expectations about how he will handle this and focus on your own connection to these family members.

DearAmy: “About to Blow” didn’t like to be asked how much money they paid for things.

My mother always said, “There are three things I do not discuss: My age; my weight; and my money — in that order.”

That shut up nosy people pretty quickly.

Hope this helps. She lived to 99- ½ .

DearSmart: I may be borrowing her wisdom.