Letter may help make peace with emotions

Dear Amy: Afew years back, an elderly family member passed away and left a lot more money to my father’s brother and his wife than to other family members. Wewere never told why, and my uncle and his wife refused to share these funds with us without expecting to be paid back.

Last year, my parents both died, and for the last two years or so, they were sick and I had to take care of them all the time.

My uncle and his wife live only about a half-hour away. They never offered to help out. They never visited. When my mother died, they did not attend the funeral or even send me a sympathy card.

Well, Amy, needless to say, I strongly dislike these two people (as did my late mother), and I often think of sending them a letter telling them how I feel.

My question is, how can family members be so cold-hearted? Should I send them a letter telling them how I feel?

— Hurt and Angry

Dear Hurt: Your deceased family member might have left more money to your uncle than to others because at one time your uncle had loaned or given that family member money. Your uncle might not have visited or had contact with your parents because the money — or another issue — created a rift between your father and his brother that simply was never resolved.

That is the true tragedy of family estrangement: it is insidious and generational. I’m not offering up excuses for their behavior, but an explanation for how complex estranged relationships can become.

You should definitely write a letter to your uncle and his wife, telling them exactly how you feel. Writing these things down might help you to make sense of your own feelings.

Should you then send the letter? That depends. You might pour out your own anger and hurt feelings to people who have already demonstrated that they don’t seem to care, who might misread or misunderstand your intentions, and may share it or criticize you to other family members.

There is dignity in telling the truth. But there is also dignity in making a private peace with your own painful emotions. Any letter you send should be simple, declarative and honest, using “I statements:” “I am sad. I am so disappointed. I wish you had behaved differently during times when my folks needed care and comfort.”

Dear Amy: At gatherings with family or friends, my husband has a habit that I find rude. When someone offers to do something helpful, such as clear dirty plates, he immediately offers to do it instead, beating the person to the task.

Often the friend or family member is left looking like their offer of a good deed was just stolen from them, but he doesn’t notice.

I know he thinks he’s being extra nice for taking away the task, but I think it’s rude to jump on someone else’s offer of help.

Either come up with the idea yourself, or just graciously say “thank you,” when someone else offers to do something for you. What are your thoughts? — Helpless Helper

Dear Helpless: There must be more behind your resentment regarding your husband’s attempts to be helpful.

Perhaps he rarely helps at home, and you believe that he only jumps up when others are there to see and appreciate him?

Regardless of your own motivations or reactions, it is not your job to police your husband. And unless there is a more aggressive action and reaction than you describe, I would imagine that some would actually feel relieved if someone else jumped up and took over a task.

Dear Amy: “Concerned” wrote to you regarding receiving an annual gift of a fruitcake made by their friend, who had been sick with COVID-19 previously.

You blew it by not telling them that there is no risk of contracting COVID-19 from food. You should not continue to perpetuate these myths.

— Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: Yes, I should have emphasized that there is no risk of contracting the virus from consuming food or receiving packages.

I made the error of believing that this was common knowledge, though it was obvious that “Concerned” was worried about it. Thank you for prompting this response.