Just for kicks, Stephen, do your job
The kick started down the middle and went right.
Or maybe the kick went left and was never down the middle.
So confusing this kicking thing can be, especially when the Patriots figured all is always well with Stephen Gostkowski. As the Pats kicker understands fully, “I stink right now.”
There may be some harsher analysis out there, but the bewildered at Gillette Stadium are keeping their usual closed-mouth routine when it comes to: What the hell is wrong with Stephen Gostkowski!?!?
It’s not like after missing another extra point that Bill Belichick can bench his kicker and anoint rugby Olympian Nate Ebner to line up for a 45-yarder.
Nope, it’s Gostkowski or bust, and this season it’s been bust.
However, our Foxboro moles ascertained a confidential memo regarding any future placekicking disasters. One more Gostkowski miss, according to this signed confidentiality agreement, and the field goal and extra point duties are gone, replaced by two-point conversions and that old drop kick from the leather helmet days.
Yesterday, after the media got in their 15 minutes of viewing practice, our mole dug himself out and saw a half-dozen Patriots practicing the drop kick from all kinds of distances.
The Pats then found out the one thing that Tom Brady couldn’t do, and Cyrus Jones shouldn’t do. Malcom Brown could not get enough leg lift, and Rob Gronkowski kept taking the ball and spiking it. Punter Ryan Allen couldn’t kick the ball anywhere near straight, and Marcus Cannon kept whiffing on his block, er, kick.
Ebner is the most ready but he kept picking up the dropped ball and running into the end zone, rugbystyle, instead of kicking it. Habits are tough to break.
So it’s all on you Gostkowski. Do Your Job, even though you truly do “stink” right now.
Undeflatable: Patriots (-51⁄ 2) at Buffalo — It’s always the opposition that marks the schedule when the Patriots appear on it, but Tommy Boy circled this one from his living room while watching that mess of a loss to the Bills four weeks ago in Foxboro. Pats, 38-10.
Happy Halloween: Cincinnati (-3) vs. Washington — London is beginning to think it is an NFL city. Bengals, 24-20. Green Bay at Atlanta (-3) — The fun is over for the Falcons. The return to mediocrity is now complete. Packers, 31-23.
Detroit at Houston (-21⁄ 2) — Houston, you don’t have a problem. You have a catastrophe. Lions, 28-23. Seattle (-3) at New Orleans — Even some Cajun voodoo doll can’t prevent the pin getting stuck in the Saints. Seahawks, 29-14. N.Y. Jets (-3) at Cleveland
— The Jets created a monster, and his name is not Frankenstein. It is Fitzpatrick. Browns, 24-20.
Oakland at Tampa Bay (pick) — Can’t get off that Raiders pirate ship now. Swashbucklers indeed. Raiders, 30-26.
Kansas City (-21⁄ 2) at Indianapolis — All you analytics freaks will enjoy calculating all the astronomical numbers in this one. Chiefs, 41-33.
San Diego at Denver
(-41⁄ 2) — Just the luck of the Broncos to get the Chargers, who have used up their wins for this month. Broncos, 24-13. Arizona at Carolina (-3) — The Panthers are seeking the Exorcist to rid the demon called arrogance that has stolen their game. Cardinals, 19-16.
Philadelphia at Dallas (-4) — Fright Night in Dallas. Eagles, 23-21.
Minnesota (-5) at Chicago — The Walking Dead are these Bears. Vikings, 27-10. Last week: 9-6-0 Season: 58-46-3