Holiday weight gain? Bet on it

Last Sunday, I was watching CBS Sunday Morning and a graphic came on the screen that said the average American gains 13 pounds during the holidays. I thought, “Wow! I eat like a pig during the holidays and I didn’t gain anywhere near that much!”

Then my Spidey-sense kicked in. I didn’t trust that figure. Aside from the usual plates piled high with turkey or roast beef, which are a given on Thanksgiving or Christmas, I cram prodigious amounts of fruitcake, pies, candy, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, rolls and butter, and then more fruitcake and pie, into my mouth during the holiday season. I decided to weigh myself. The scale said 191. I was at 188 back in early November, so that’s a gain of only three pounds.

CBS cited the New England Journal of Medicine, so I went there to see if that 13 pounds was a figure they had given. Nope. Their graph said the average weight gain for Americans during the holidays is 0.7 percent.

Take my 188 pounds in November, multiply by 0.7 percent, and the result is 1.3 pounds. Somebody at CBS who didn’t know how to calculate percentages thought it was 7 percent, so my threepound gain is actually over twice that of the average American.

Had I known that, my wife and I wouldn’t have had a fruitcake race.

OK, I guess that needs explaining. We both like fruitcake. Check that — we don’t just like fruitcake; we love it in the same way that Bruins goalie Tuuka Rask loves hockey pucks. Send them our way and they rarely get by us without being swallowed up. Yes, we’re deviants. While fruitcake has become a holiday punchline for many, it is our holiday treat of choice. So, anyway, we ordered some fruitcakes online, then waited to see which would arrive first and win the race.

The prize for the winning fruitcake was that it would be devoured before the next one arrived. We still have one more fruitcake to go, so those who bet the over — as I understand it, Vegas set the line at 192 for me — might still have a chance.

Hot tip for those thinking of betting next year: Girl Scout cookies are now available year-round.

A friend on Facebook said she bought Thin Mints and Do-si-dos from a troop of Girl Scouts in her town. I rhapsodized about how those were my favorites, while also expressing sadness about not having any in the house at present. Evil person that she is, she gave me a link to the Girl Scouts website, wherein one can find out where local Girl Scouts are currently selling cookies — just about everywhere, as it turns out — and where one can also order as many as one wishes, anytime. I was under the impression that Girl Scout cookies could only be acquired at certain magical times of the year. Now that I know I can have them 365 days a year, 24/7, some of the magic is gone but none of my waistline will be.

Definitely bet the over next year.