Bonus parent needs a name that’s not ‘Mom’
I recently picked my daughter up from her father’s home after the Christmas break only to hear her call out the car window as we left, “Bye Mom!” I did my best to cover up my shock, but I never thought I would have to face this. I do not want my child calling anyone else “Mom.” What’s good ex-etiquette?
It is rare that a mom easily accepts her child calling someone else “Mom.” It’s particularly difficult after a breakup when you have to share your child with another parent and possibly his or her partner. My usual response is that the bonus parent and child put their heads together and come up with a unique name that means something special to them. A reader sent me a great story a few years ago that beautifully demonstrates how to do just that:
“My fiance and I went on a beach trip 10 months into dating. He has one child who was 5 at the time. During the trip, she started calling me ‘Mom.’ I assumed it was because we were filling mom/daughter roles while on vacation. I was with her all through the day, and then at night, I tucked her in. I think this routine for the week we were vacationing became comfortable, and she felt comfortable calling me mom. My fiance and I didn’t correct her, but three months later at Halloween, the child’s bio-mom dropped her by so we could see her all dressed up. While taking a picture with her bio-mom, she called out, ‘Now I want to take a picture with my other mom.’ It didn’t go over well, however, I definitely understood her feelings and was content choosing an alternate name, but what name?
“I didn’t want to be ‘ mommy Joyce’ because that’s still calling me mom. I’m not her aunt or grandma, so the suggestions of Auntie or Nana seemed odd to me. My fiance looked over at me and said, ‘ What about Mare? Mare (pronounced maray) means sea in Italian. She first called you Mom when we were at the beach; it only seems appropriate.’ The name and the meaning behind it touched me, and I told him it was even better than being called Mom. The name has gone over very well, and although I hear the occasional ‘ Mom’ that makes my heart flutter, we continue to encourage the use of my special name.”
The reader reports that Mom was very grateful for their attempt and has just invited her to a “get to know one another” lunch. What better situation for a child than to be brought up witnessing the adults in her life openly respecting one another. That is truly good ex-etiquette.