Mom reluctant to host bonus daughter’s party

My husband and I have seven “yours, mine and ours” children. My husband also has a terrible ex who doesn’t understand boundaries and has caused many issues by using his children to try to divide us. It didn’t work. Their children are now 12, 17 and 19.

Because of her behavior, I have zero interest in hosting their oldest daughter’s high school graduation party. We have a large farm that would be perfect, but knowing how his ex thinks, her idea of us hosting would be that we do all the work and she does nothing. My husband really wants to host this at our place. I say no, our farm is not the entertainment center for his ex’s family. If his ex hadn’t been so horrible over the last eight years, I would have no problem hosting at all. Under the circumstances, what’s good exetiquette?

Red flag! All through your email we hear about how rotten the ex is, what your husband wants, what you want, but nowhere do I hear what your bonus daughter wants — and it’s her graduation party. Your resentment for her mother is so strong that you forgot to consult the guest of honor. This is an important day in your bonus daughter’s life. How you handle it can set the stage for your relationship with her for years to come.

If your bonus daughter wants to have the party at your home, split the responsibilities with her mother. Call a face-to-face meeting in a neutral place. Prepare a list of what you will do and what you would like mom to contribute. Compromise when possible, but make it clear that you expect her to participate and carry her weight.

Having the graduation party in a neutral location is a great alternative, but with that neutral place comes the need for potluck offerings or a catered meal just like having it at your home. Mom can contribute here as well — if not financially because the budget is outside of her ability, organizing what dishes are needed or manning the clean-up effort. Figure out the help you’ll need, and make sure everyone, including your bonus daughter and husband, understand how the responsibilities will be divided. If mom doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain, it will be obvious who dropped the ball.

There’s just so much anger and resentment you can harbor before it interferes with your ability to be an effective partner, parent, coparent and bonus parent. It sounds like you’ve reached your limit. Your bonus daughter is graduating and moving out. Ask yourself, “After eight years of helping to raise this child, what image do I want to leave her with as she moves on to the next phase of her life?” I bet it’s not a resentful, angry stepmother who hates her mother. “We must be the change we want to see in the world” begins with our family.