As the wacky Trump world spins

WASHINGTON — My relationship with my microwave has dramatically changed.

I can no longer look at it as a convenient way to make a quick cup of coffee or tea. Now, it’s an evil instrument capable of allowing outsiders to invade my life.

I have President Trump to thank for this.

Actually, the thanks belongs to one of his top mouthpieces, Kellyanne Conway, who recently made me and all American citizens aware of the lurking dangers posed by a contraption I have used faithfully since its invention.

In defending her boss’ sofarallegation that Barack Obama tapped his telephone, Conway claimed microwaves are available to government spies for the purposes of eavesdropping on the average American.

Now, when it comes to technology, you could tell me anything and I would believe it, having been born when people in rural areas still used crank telephones and depended on wood stoves to cook. I am only beginning to understand how to get my email off a smartphone.

So, despite the immediate verdict from experts that a microwave cannot be used for such purposes — unlike those smart-TVs, as revealed by the leak of CIA documents — I took Conway’s words as gospel.

When her fellow Trump flacks and advisers rebutted the criticism of her claim by saying, “She was just joking,” I didn’t believe them either. After all, she is the one who discovered “alternative facts.”

Whatever the case, these revelations have so unnerved me I’ve come to regard the microwave with not only a wary eye but as an infernal machine I must use only in an emergency, if then. I’ve even set up a safe room with no modern devices where I can discuss my most private affairs.

I felt like lining it with tinfoil but decided that would alarm those who’ve suspected something amiss about me for some time. My significant other — quite certainly to assuage me — did acquiesce to whispering when we are alone in the main rooms. She’s a nonbeliever — for now.

I did all this despite the fact that anyone listening to my conversations would be sorely disappointed, seeing as my life these days is about as exciting as counting fleas on a dog.

What I’m really writing here is a thank-you note to Kellyanne and The Donald for injecting my life with a long-missing sense of wonder and for giving me vibes of incredulity I haven’t felt for some time.

Russian connections, alleged domestic wiretapping of a presidentelect, White House Abbott and Costello routines, executive orders that sound like they were written by a despot, daily tweets that sound like they were the work of Mickey Mouse on steroids and, of course, microwave eavesdropping. That’s just the beginning. What will come of all this? Probably not as much as Trump’s supporters and staff would like.

Now get out of my kitchen, Kellyanne.

Russian connections, alleged domestic wiretapping of a president-elect, White House Abbott and Costello routines, tweets that sound like the work of Mickey Mouse on steroids.