Husband suggests mediation instead of court
QAfter 10 years and three children, ages 8, 6 and 3, my marriage is over. My husband handled our family finances. So only now have I learned there is a lot of debt. So we’ve got equity in our house and two retirement accounts. I just started part-time work.
I don’t have money to pay a lawyer to fight for me.
My husband suggested we mediate in order to keep the costs down. But while he’s never hit me, I’ve always been intimidated by him. So, I’m not sure I could speak up for myself in front of him.
Should I just file for divorce on my own and hope the judge will help me, or should I try mediation?
AJudges cannot give anyone legal advice. Nor can a judge help either party through the divorce process. That’s what lawyers are supposed to do.
Generally, if one party has more power in the relationship, mediation is not the road to travel. But if your mediator is an experienced family law attorney or a respected retired family court judge, a power imbalance may be ineffective or overcome. In any event, typically, at the first meeting, you need to explain to the mediator that you’ve always been intimidated by your husband, which is why you need help to get a fair resolution.
Good mediators make clear that all assets, liabilities and facts must be “on the table.” They usually have a joint first-session. Then each party goes to a separate room, after which the mediator will go back and forth to each side in an effort to help reach agreement.
You should consider hiring a lawyer just to advise you during the mediation. And if mediation fails, hire a lawyer on what is called a “limited assistance” basis. The lawyer can prepare motions for temporary orders of child custody, parenting plans, child support and alimony. You’ll sign the motion, and below you need to include the words: “Motion prepared with the assistance of counsel.”
If, for whatever reason, you choose to represent yourself, you’ll be expected to follow the same rules that lawyers must follow. It’s hard to follow rules when you don’t even know they exist.
So, in the learned words of an older, retiring lawyer whom some have thought to occasionally have had a good suggestion: “It is unwise to take an airplane which has no maps and no pilot.”