Father hosts ex for daughter’s birthday

Is it appropriate for my boyfriend of 2 1⁄ years to invite his 2 ex over to his house for dinner and cake to celebrate their daughter’s 16th birthday? I couldn’t be there because of a work commitment.

You’re basically asking, “Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to invite his daughter’s mother to his home to celebrate their daughter’s 16th birthday?” Based on that question, the answer is it is absolutely appropriate — and good ex-etiquette.

I’m anticipating that you think it is inappropriate because he’s your boyfriend. There’s a certain amount of respect that’s implied if you are in a relationship. However, it sounds as if you don’t live with him. If it’s “his home,” he can invite anyone he wants. You didn’t mention if others were invited, only that you couldn’t make it. Based on that, propriety has not been breached — you just don’t like the situation.

But shouldn’t he make his decisions based on your wishes? After all, you’re his girlfriend. At times that’s true, but you’re treading on dangerous waters when you attempt to pull rank when there’s a child involved, especially if there is a wellestablished parenting plan. Interfere in how your boyfriend interacts with his daughter and her mother, and you could be setting yourself up for failure.

My answer might be different if you and your boyfriend were living together. Then he would be inviting his ex to your home, and that could be inappropriate if he did it behind your back. Having the party at a neutral place might be the answer if there is time to make a change. But if the guest list is long, that is impractical just because your plans changed. You would just not attend.

If you’re asking this question, this subject has probably bothered you. It sounds like you may be coming from an old-school divorce attitude — breakups should sever all ties. If that’s the case, you are probably struggling because that belief sets you up to compare your relationship with your boyfriend to his relationship with “her.” It puts you in competition with his daughter and her mother, and it relegates you to second-class status.

Comparing is the bane of all new girlfriends — actually, it’s not healthy for Mom in this case, either. Time to lose the labels, “ex” and “current,” and look for ways to support “in the best interest of the child.” Don’t complicate your relationship status by asking your boyfriend to choose. Once his daughter is an adult, the parental interaction will lessen.