Tom’s 50 shades of 40

QB’s future a guessing game

Not much celebrating of Tom Brady’s 40th birthday was done at my house.

Now I do have a lot of respect for the man, even if the new coffee-table book comes across as a cash grab and the connection with trainer/nutritionist/fitness guru/whateverelse- they’re- calling- him-this-week Alex Guerrero reminds me of those guys from the old cowboy movies who hawk Doctor Zorbo’s Magic Elixir out of the back of covered wagons.

But . . . respect? Absolutely — greatest quarterback ever, blew off the Trump White House visit, never seems to hold a grudge, etc. Alas, I didn’t get invited over to the Brady manse for the big birthday bash. There was nothing, then, for me to celebrate.

But “celebrating” Brady’s 40th birthday and “enjoying” Brady’s 40th birthday are two different things. And I am here to tell you that birthday No. 40 for quarterback No. 12 made for a wildly entertaining day, and for one simple reason: A lot of media types were dragged, in many cases kicking and screaming, into participating in a fresh new round of “How long will Tom Brady be quarterback of the Patriots?”

It was the same old stuff in new packaging, sort of like laundry detergent that gets retooled as “new and improved.” Anyway, stop me if you’ve heard these before:

• Tom Brady will play until he’s 45.

• This is definitely Tom Brady’s last season. That’s why they held onto Jimmy Garoppolo.

• Tom Brady is on the verge of falling off a cliff (© 2016 Max Kellerman).

• Tom Brady’s retirement may happen sooner rather than later because he has had concussions. His supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen, went on television and said so.

And a new favorite, which made the rounds for a couple of hours:

• Tom Brady will serve out the 2017 season as the Patriots’ No. 1 quarterback and then return in 2018 as the backup to Garoppolo.

This last suggestion — that Brady would serve as a sort of quarterback emeritus to the at-long-last No. 1 man Jimmy G — is quite possibly the dumbest hot take in the history of hot takes.

To illustrate this point, allow me to use an example from 2000 involving Bill Belichick — as in Jets head coach Bill Belichick.

You’ll recall that Belichick was actually named head coach of the worstrun team in professional sports on two occasions. The first time was in February 1997, when he was introduced as fake head coach of the Jets, with Bill Parcells being introduced as a “consultant.”

It all happened at an unintentionally hilarious press conference held at Weeb Ewbank Hall at Hofstra University in Hempstead, N.Y., with an off-campus Parcells speaking to the media through a speakerphone and Belichick seated nearby with a glum, whathave-I- gotten-myself-into look on his face.

It was all just a stupid Jet trick to get Parcells out of his deal with the Patriots. So draft picks were sent to the Patriots, Parcells declared the Border War to be over (it wasn’t), and the Tuna coached the Jets for three seasons, with Belichick on his staff.

What happened next was one of the biggest turning points in Patriots history. Parcells moved into the Jets’ front office, and Belichick was announced as the new head coach ... except he quickly realized what a terrible career move that would be. He famously resigned as HC of the NYJ the next day, inspiring Jets president Steve Gutman to say something about Belichick being under a great deal of “turmoil.”

You know the rest. Belichick moved to New England and since then has turmoiled the Patriots to five Super Bowl championships.

Why am I telling you all this? Simple: Had the Jets struggled in 2000 with Belichick as head coach, the clamoring for Parcells to come down from football ops and take over would have been ear-splitting.

Imagine, then, what it would be like around here if quarterback emeritus Tom Brady were standing next to Belichick, watching No. 1 quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo lead the New England offense.

It’s not complicated: The first time Garoppolo struggled at quarterback — or was perceived to be struggling at quarterback — people would be clamoring for Brady to put down the clipboard, take off the baseball cap and put on a helmet.

Brady would never put himself in such a situation. It’s laughable to even consider it, which makes it a very bad hot take. Frankly, every hot take pertaining to Brady’s future is akin to throwing a dart against a wall. Everything pertaining to Brady’s future is just a guess.

But it has given everyone something to talk about in these early days of training camp, and that’s Tom Brady’s birthday present to us.

Imagine what it’ll be like when he turns 50.