Ex’s unannounced visits irk new partner

My boyfriend’s ex comes over unannounced around dinnertime with the excuse that she has to drop off something for the kids. She completely ignores me in my own home, speaks only to the kids and my boyfriend, and then leaves without ever acknowledging my presence. It feels so rude, and my boyfriend sees nothing wrong with it. What’s good ex-etiquette?

In the world of good ex-etiquette, the person whose relative is causing the problem is the one to set the boundary. In this case, it’s the mother of your boyfriend’s children, so he would be the one to call her on her behavior — but first, you must have an agreement for what is acceptable behavior in your own home.

So, with that, here are a few considerations to help new couples, particularly with an ex and children, establish boundaries that will empower them to have a successful new relationship. Please note: These are in keeping with my “Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette.” You can find them at bonusfamilies. com.

• Establish clear boundaries before moving in. If you’re afraid to tell your partner how you feel about

anything, that’s a red flag. • Get your priorities straight. The ex deserves respect for being your child’s mother or father — but the new partner deserves respect for his or her position in your life as well. No one should be disrespected in their own home. If either of you allows that to happen, that’s extremely poor ex-etiquette.

• Have reasonable expectations and check them with your partner. The biggest single mistake new partners make is to have expectations of what they think is appropriate, forget to fill in their new partner, then get angry that their expectations are not met.

• Don’t move in and then attempt to change an already established parenting policy that’s working for your partner and his or her ex.

• Have a plan in place for how you will solve problems before you move in. Don’t hold grudges after the disagreement is over.