Of one mindset
31 NFL teams share single goal: Beat Pats
This meeting of all NFL owners but one was so secret that even their errand boy, Roger Goodell, knew nothing of it.
“Hey, Goodell,” barked Cowboys boss Jerry Jones. “Stand outside the door and don’t let anyone in, especially that Kraftie guy.”
Jones, the Giants’ John Mara, Carolina’s Jerry Richardson, et al., were brainstorming on their annual “How to Beat the Patriots” dialogue, locked away somewhere distant from any distractions, and that Robert Kraft guy.
Time to get down to business. These rascals have tried most everything to stop the Belichick-Brady dynasty, and are conspiring again after the deflated football thing proved quite deflating for them the last three seasons.
“Hey, Goodell,” slurred Falcons owner Arthur Blank. “Get me a double of anything strong. That %^&E#^& Super Bowl!”
One proposal on the table involves setting up a team-wide PED infection, suspending everybody and have the Pats play their practice squaders.
Or make the Pats play all road games! Declare the NFL an under-40 league! Ban all hoodies from the sideline! Burn the banners!
“Hey, Goodell,” screamed Colts owner Jim Irsay. “Can you hire a private investigator to find out if I know what I’m doing?”
All kinds of deviousness spewing out of the ire of 31 owners intent on keeping the Patriots from clutching another Lombardi Trophy under confetti heaven.
Another season, and another plot or two by NFL owners to derail the Patriots title hopes.
As the meeting broke up, there’s only one more item on the agenda.
“Hey, Goodell,” bellowed the Redskins’ Daniel Snyder. “Where are the doughnuts!” Happy Sunday: NY Jets at Buffalo (-81⁄2) — Some guy named Nathan Peterman may be quarterbacking the Bills. No one of any consequence is running the Jets. Bills, 26-10.
Atlanta (-6) at Chicago — The Falcons will be rolling into Chicago, and this time they hold onto their big lead. Falcons, 28-3.
Jacksonville at Houston (-6) — After the deluge, Houston strong. Texans, 27-6.
Philadelphia (-1) at Washington — Quarterback Kirk Cousins playing for a contract should be enough to boost the Redskins to .500. Redskins, 24-20.
Arizona (-2) at Detroit — The Lions made Matthew Stafford the highest paid quarterback ever. Good enough for me. Lions, 30-18.
Oakland at Tennessee (-21⁄2) — This is the year of the Raiders, they say, whoever they are. Raiders, 31-30.
Baltimore at Cincinnati (-3) — This is always the year in Cincinnati, except it always isn’t. Ravens, 20-17.
Pittsburgh (-9) at Cleveland — The preseason undefeated Cleveland Browns! Has a nice ring to it, not a Super Bowl ring though. Steelers, 43-17.
Indianapolis at LA Rams (-4) — Hero’s welcome. Jacoby Brissett comes off the bench. Colts are not rescued. Rams, 12-6.
Seattle at Green Bay (-3) — This would be a nice Super Bowl if it could ever be. Seahawks, 33-28.
Carolina (-51⁄2) at San Francisco — Time for 49ers fans to put on their Colin Kaepernick masks. Panthers, 32-10.
NY Giants at Dallas (-4) — Let’s get this straight: Ezekiel Elliott is suspended but can play? Only in the NFL. Cowboys, 29-22.
New Orleans at Minnesota (-3) — Adrian Peterson returns to Minnesota. Schedule-maker gets a raise. Vikings, 34-25.
LA Chargers at Denver (-31⁄2) — Quarterback Brock Osweiler’s in Denver again, and $37 million richer. Thanks for taking me back. Pizza’s on me. Broncos, 27-16.
Last season: 135-122-10