Boston Herald

Change mindset for sake of child’s health

- By JANN BLACKSTONE

My daughter’s father was verbally abusive when we were together and still is. Exchanging our child is the worst. Just yesterday he stood in the middle of the street and yelled profanitie­s at me. I have tried to get along with him for years. We just can’t coparent. What’s good ex-etiquette?

Every day, angry parents come into my office complainin­g they cannot get along and there is no way they can co-parent. My response is usually to ask which parent wants primary custody. That question puts both parents on notice. It’s not in a child’s best interest to go back and forth between their parents’ homes when the parents can’t stop fighting.

So, how do you co-parent when you don’t get along? The truth is, you can’t. There must be a change in mindset to be successful.

I often tell this story in co-parenting workshops. My father and I had a love/hate relationsh­ip. I adored him, and he me, but his experience­s taught him to be racist, short-tempered and abusive. When he was 71 years old, I remember telling myself, “You love your dad, flaws and all, and there will be a day when he will not be with you.” I made a vow that I would greet him with a smile and hug him hello and goodbye at every visit. And, from that moment on, there was a shift — because I wanted to get along with him. I never discussed it with him. I simply changed my behavior. We never fought again. He never again brought up subjects he knew would make me crazy, and eight years later I was the one who held his hand as he passed. My point? Someone has to start. I’m not suggesting you must be chummy with your ex. I am saying people who want to get along, do. People who don’t want to get along, don’t. There must be something bigger than yourself to serve as the catalyst to make the shift. In your case, it’s the wellbeing of your child. You can coparent if you want to.

We have all been exposed to enough pop psychology to know that ongoing conflict after a split will affect a child psychologi­cally, but studies now show that ongoing conflict between parents affects their child’s brain developmen­t. Very simply, if you can’t find a way to be cordial, you and your child’s father are contributi­ng to your child’s mental illness.

If you need help stopping the war, enlist the help of a counselor to design a personaliz­ed problem-solving plan to get along and problem solve together. Or, look for low-cost co-parenting classes in your community. But, make that shift — in the best interest of your child. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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