HOWIE CARR: How to get a job, no work required

Your contributions can add up to a slot in the hackerama

Are you tired of working for a living?

Have you been dreaming of grabbing one of those six-figure, no-heavy-lifting hack state jobs behind which comes the obscenely bloated pension, the monthly kiss in the mail?

This column is your how-to guide to one of those dream jobs (which are not to be confused with work, because there is no work in the hackerama).

Here are three ways to become a payroll patriot:

Be the offspring of an extinguished hack family, and you get bonus points if one of your parents actually served time not just in the Legislature, but also in prison, especially a federal lockup.

Give lots and lots of cash to Lt. Gov. Karyn Polito.

Be from Worcester — excuse me, I’m repeating Number 2.

OK, let’s start with Elizabeth K. Sheehy, who after a nationwide search was nominated this week for the hack sinecure of clerk magistrate of the Middlesex Juvenile Court.

Sheehy is the daughter of the late jailbird senator from Lowell, Paul Sheehy, who did a short stretch in durance vile for bank fraud committed while he was city manager of Lowell. After his parole, he was elected state senator, succeeding, after one other worthy, one B. Joseph Tully, who followed in Sheehy’s footsteps as city manager of Lowell. Sheehy was quite the city manager — he committed a string of felonies, including attempted extortion, mail fraud and wire fraud, during a crime spree that spanned two centuries.

By the way, Lowell just picked a new city manager — Sen. Eileen Donoghue. Maybe the third time will be the charm, and this state senator from Lowell can keep her hand out of the cookie jar.

Of course, not everyone can have a statesman/ convicted felon for a daddy. But if you don’t lack the right shady pedigree, don’t worry. Just give some money to Lt. Gov. Karyn Polito. Consider new Judge Daniel Roache, just approved by the Governor’s Council last week.

Roache turns 60 in July, so it behooved him to grab his black robes quickly, so he could max out his pension with 10 years of “service” before he turns 70. Once Roache ponied up $100 to Polito in March 2017, it was obvious that he was on the fast track to early retirement.

Like most Massachusetts judges, Roache is mostly a Democrat donor. He duked Hillary Clinton $250 in July 2016, and when it looked like Democrat Marsha Coakley might be the next person handing out early retirements to indolent lawyers, he handed her $1,600. Roache also liked to take care of Michael Bellotti, the Democrat sheriff of Norfolk County and the son of Democrat AG Frank Bellotti.

But more importantly, Sheriff Bellotti is the brother of Peter Bellotti, Judge Roache’s dear friend. Roache told the Governor’s Council that after taking early retirement as a judge, “I will offer each client possible successor counsel, which will include my friend, Peter Bellotti, whom I have worked for approximately 25 years.” And now Roache is through working, ever again. He is now a hack Massachusetts judge.

With a mere $100 contribution to Lt. Gov. Polito — Roache got off cheap, very cheap. On the other extreme, consider the commissioner of the Department of Correction, Thomas Turco.

Turco comes out of the very ethical Worcester hackerama. He used to be a probation officer, and we all know the Probation Department has always been a dumping ground for the worst of the worst. After gainful unemployment as a chief probation officer, Turco was appointed to a hack job on Beacon Hill under Executive Office of Public Safety secretary Daniel Bennett, a former coatholder for Worcester DA “Honest” Joe Early.

Bennett, Turco’s boss, is currently accused in a federal lawsuit by honest state troopers of committing “multiple felonies” in an attempt to broom a case for the admitted junkie-prostitute daughter of a hack judge he used to work with in Early’s office.

Turco gave Honest Joe $950 over the years, and also contributed to the disgraced ex-Lt. Gov., Tim “Crash” Murray, another scandalplagued Worcester coatholder. And of course Turco gave $500 to his latest patron, Gov. Charlie “Tall Deval” Baker.

But Turco’s main connection is fellow Worcester hack Karyn Polito. She’s collected $4,250 from the commissioner over the years, and a source tells me that Turco often refers to Polito as his “cousin.” Calls were placed to both of the hacks — Polito and Turco — inquiring whether they are actually related, or is it just one of those quaint hack things, where everyone getting rich in the hackerama considers himself related to everyone else whose snout is buried in the public trough.

Those calls were not returned.

Lesson for the day: Not everyone can be the child of a corrupt pol who went to the can in Danbury, but everyone can write checks for thousands to the right hack

— or should I say, cousin?