These rules help ease life for parents after divorce

I read your column all the time, and in your answers, you often refer to Ex-Etiquette rule No. 7 or Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 5. What are you talking about? Are there really specific rules of good ex-etiquette?

I am asked about “the rules” just about every day. The whole thing started years ago — divorced parents were constantly writing for a guide or list — something to stick on the refrigerator or on their phone to remind them to calm down when their ex started to drive them nuts and they could no longer think rationally. After much deliberation, I came up with the Ten Rules of Good Ex-Etiquette. The rules first appeared in my book “Ex-Etiquette for Parents” and are designed to guide you through the emotional roller coaster of dealing with an ex, an ex’s new partner, a bonus relation or a present or former in-law who is making your life miserable and driving you out of your mind. They’re not rocket science, but they work.

Rule No. 1: “Put your kids first” reminds you that the kids need to be considered, not the two adults who have lost sight of what’s important.

Rule No. 2: “Ask for help when you need it” opens up a possibility that few exes consider — looking to each other for help. After all, no one loves your child as much as you, except maybe their other parent. Few understand they still have a mutual interest after a breakup: their children. Keeping that in mind can solve just about every problem you face.

Rule No. 3: “Don’t badmouth” reminds you not to lose it in front of your child. Badmouthing the other parent will not bring you closer to your child. Most kids rebel and personalize the negativity — and it will backfire. In other words, the child may well reject you for saying something bad about their other parent, even if it’s true. Rules No. 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9

remind you not to be spiteful, hold grudges, to be honest when interacting and to respect each other. All these things prevent arguments, help us look for the greater good and ultimately set a good example for the kids who look to us as role models.

Finally, rule No. 10 suggests you look for answers outside of the box and compromise if you can.

Just about every problem you face after a breakup can be positively addressed by following the rules of good ex-etiquette. You just have to remember to use them — and the easiest way? Just look at your kids.