Take steps to redefine co-parenting relationship

My husband and I have a yours, mine family with kids ranging from 20 years old to 4 months old. Some are out of the house, and we have two little ones at home. My husband’s daughter is 12 and lives with her mom nearly 2,000 miles away.

Things have always been a little rough when his daughter spends the summers with us. Her dad and I have been together for five years now, married for almost two, but the ex doesn’t accept this. My husband is the kind of person who just wants to get along and will not say anything when there’s a problem. If my husband doesn’t do what his ex wants, he gets phone calls and texts bashing me or threatening to go to court.

Shouldn’t I be a respected party who has a say? I can’t figure out my place in this.

Of course, you and your husband should have established boundaries about how you will navigate your own relationship, especially in regard to your approach to coparenting with an ex. Truth be told, you should have had that discussion before you even moved in together years ago. That’s the reason you can’t figure out your place in this. One has never been established.

It sounds as if your husband shies away from confrontation. Plus, as you pointed out, he hasn’t established boundaries with his ex, either. As a result, she runs the show and he runs for cover. If he stands back and looks at the situation, he will realize his lack of boundaries causes far more problems than any confrontation he might have.

It’s not too late to fix this. Years ago, I put together something I refer to as “The Before Exercise.” You can find it in the book “Ex-etiquette for Parents” and on the Bonus Families website, key word: before. It asks the new couple to seriously consider all the relationships that are created when combining families and what kind of relationship you want with each family member. Then sit down together and lay out a plan for what must be done to achieve that relationship.

Finally, for the record, going back to court does not have to be the dreaded threat it appears. Judges don’t arbitrarily change a parenting plan that has been working for years just because one parent is angry. The real answer here is for the parents to change their approach to co-parenting, not the parenting plan.