FBI’S LEAST WANTED
Revamped ‘Quantico’ should come under investigation
Did you think a season of “24” was too long?
Are you confused about who you should root for on “Homeland”? Does ABC have a stupid show for you.
“Quantico,” the network’s FBI/CIA/rogue agent/ vigilante show that made my list for Worst Scripted Series two years running, is back with a third season, with a third format, a new producer at the helm and several new regulars.
But is the show any better? Spoiler alert:
“Quantico” doubles down on the dumb.
The first season focused on several FBI recruits, like the twins posing as one agent, and told their stories across two timelines. Viewers found it confusing. In its second season, the producers stuck to one story with flash-forwards and even gave up on that.
This season, “Quantico” opts for a single time jump — three years in the future — and ditches the serialized storytelling, with the exception of the alleged romance now at the heart of the show.
Judging from the first three episodes, the plan seems to be to throw enough explosions and gunfights at the screen so viewers are lulled into thinking they are watching some “Chicago: NCIS: Law & Order: Criminal Minds: Frontal Lobotomy” spinoff and forget to change the channel.
Ex-agent Alex Parrish (Priyanka Chopra) is now in Italy, doing the kind of migrant farm work that allows her to pick leaves from a bush, wear floppy hats, stroll in fashionable skirts and sandals and never break a sweat. She has a gorgeous Italian boyfriend who comes with an adorable moppet of a daughter.
She is happy until “they” come back for her.
“They” are working for an arms dealer known as the Widow, who wants the classified code only Alex and her ex-boyfriend Ryan Booth (Jake McLaughlin) know.
The Widow has kidnapped Alex’s best friend — and Ryan’s now-wife — Shelby (Johanna Braddy). That’s awkward.
This triangle might be the least appealing one crafted in the history of prime time. Ryan comes off like a man without a spine. Alex tries to play hard to get; Shelby vacillates between superneedy and not-as-needy.
CIA Deputy Director Owen Hall (Blair Underwood) recruits former FBI agent Jocelyn Turner (Academy Award-winner Marlee Matlin). Jocelyn was left deaf after an explosion; Matlin has been deaf since she was 18 months old. Matlin is a compelling addition, but the producers write her agent as the FBI’s answer to Yoda. (“You need clear eyes to see,” she tells Ryan.)
The Widow is working with a familiar face to the team, but you have to listen close to the exposition as to how the show disposes of him. This is not a show with time for loose ends.
Next week, the team investigates a bio-terrorist threat with ties to a white power movement and introduces a trio of new agents (played by Alan Powell, Amber Skye Noyes and Vandit Bhatt) who seem about as deep as a tweet.
It just wouldn’t be “Quantico” without its notorious homophobia. The May 10 episode serves as an homage to the infamous 1980 film “Cruising,” with Ryan donning leathers to catch a closeted drug lord in a gay bar. The hetero-panic jokes are especially cringe-worthy with gay actor Russell Tovey, as security expert Harry Doyle, in the mix.
It’s only April, but “Quantico” seems a lock to threepeat as Worst Scripted Series. Some things never change.