Establishing boundaries makes relationship easier

I’ve been trying to cultivate a better relationship with my husband’s ex. We share the kids in seven-day blocks — a week with us and a week with her, and I figured a more casual interaction would help the cause. Yesterday she asked to borrow my favorite dress for an event we’ll both attend. She knows I won’t be wearing it — I just wore it to an occasion, so she wants to. I don’t want to be that good of friends, but I’m afraid if I say no it might upset my bonus daughter. She’s so happy her mom and I get along. What’s good ex-etiquette?

You have the right idea in concept — reaching across that imaginary line in the sand to make it easier for the kids to go back and forth, but with establishing this sort of relationship comes the need for strict boundaries. We usually don’t talk about the boundaries we need when we make friends — you learn as you go and try to react sensitively as time progresses. It’s necessary with this type of relationship.

First you have to ask yourself if you really want to be friends or if your goal is just to be cordial so exchanges aren’t drama. Most will say cordial — and that’s probably safest — because you are right, if there’s fallout of any sort, it will affect your relationship with your bonus daughter. Plus, if there’s a disagreement, that might put your bonus daughter in the middle. She’ll have to pick a side with repercussions any way she turns. (The real reason a close relationship with your bonus child’s mother might not be a good idea.)

In regards to borrowing a dress, ex-etiquette for parents rule No. 8 is, “Be honest and straightforward.” I don’t like to loan my clothes to people, nor do I like borrowing clothes. I’m always afraid I’ll ruin them or they will, and I don’t want the responsibility — and I would say that. Tell her it’s a personal boundary of yours. “And, by the way, maybe we should sit down and talk about some other things just to make sure we are on the same page.” Your husband should always be present with any conversation that establishes house rules or affects his children.

I was lucky, and that may be why I’m open to relationships like you describe. My bonus kids’ mother always kept the kids’ welfare in the forefront. (Ex-etiquette for parents rule No. 1: “Put the kids first.”) We developed a close relationship as the kids grew, and they could depend on us consulting each other and making decisions with their welfare in mind — but boundaries were well established. We assigned each other responsibilities — she was in charge of grooming, I was in charge of academic stuff. We both knew that the kids’ welfare was what counted and that was our bond.

That was the concept on which the Bonus Families nonprofit was based, and there are articles on the website (keyword: counterpartner and boundaries) with suggestions on how to establish a relationship with the other home when the kids go back and forth.