Bring me your finest, and spare no expense

A man went on a dining spree for more than a month at some of the fanciest hotels in Washington, D.C., ordering the most expensive food and wine, and then skipped out without paying. Among the things he ordered were grilled octopus, rack of lamb and a $1,200 glass of 34-year-old Teeling Irish single malt whiskey, which is normally kept in a vault.

BUT WHY SHOULD THAT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE? … A homeless man entered the California governor's mansion to warn the governor that he saw wild animals — possibly lions or cougars — on the streets of midtown Sacramento. He admitted that he has been ingesting methamphetamine almost daily for most of his adult life and that he occasionally experiences delusions.

BUT I’M PRETTY SURE WE CAN GUESS … After his friend allowed him to test drive his brand-new Chevy Camaro, a man drove it right into the Red Rock River in Moline, Ill. A police detective said, “We don't have an update on the status of the friendship.”

THAT’S NOT WHERE YOU HANG YOUR LANTERN, SIR! … Howe Caverns in Schoharie County, N.Y., is offering “A Leisurely Naked Stroll Through The Cave By Lantern Light” on National Nude Day, July 4.

I JUST COULDN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE! … A man serving a four-day sentence for driving under the influence escaped from a detention center in Sonoma County, Calif., by scaling a tall fence capped with coils of razor wire. He had only two days left to serve.

STEP ON IT, CAPTAIN! … A guy robbed a restaurant in Nova Scotia, and decided to make his getaway — not in a car, the preferred means of egress of most criminals — but on the Halifax Harbor ferry. Police ordered the vessel to return to port, then just waited there to welcome him.

BIG DEAL, I LIKE TO RELAX! … A man switched on the autopilot on his Tesla S 60, slid over into the passenger seat and cruised down the M1 highway in England with his hands behind his head and his feet up on the dashboard. He was convicted of dangerous driving and banned from the M1 for 18 months.

I’M AFRAID WE MUST TAKE EXCEPTION TO YOUR BEHAVIOR MOST STRENUOUSLY … A man in his 20s and a woman in her 40s were spotted engaging in sexual relations in a field across the river from the 900-year-old cathedral in Salisbury, England. When police arrived, the couple ran naked from the scene. They were later located and “invited to the police station for an interview regarding outraging public decency.”

THE GOOD NEWS IS, THE EQUIPMENT WORKS … A crematorium in Springfield, Ohio, caught fire. The blaze was quickly extinguished.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I FELT SOMETHING, OFFICER … Police in Pennsylvania pulled over a car on the Harrisburg Pike because there was a 100-pound boulder lodged under the right rear area of the vehicle. Officers said the driver was “highly intoxicated.”

THANK YOU, COME AGAIN … A woman went into a Popeye's in Staten Island, N.Y., and tried to order food from a discount menu that is found only at Wendy's. When informed of this, she stuck her tongue out, waved her middle fingers in the air, and smashed a plate glass window with a chair.