Dad must examine his role in conflict

It’s difficult to get along with my child’s mother. I try, but she is constantly putting up roadblocks that prevent us from calmly interacting. From not returning my phone calls to making plans on my weekends, it’s always a fight, even though we share our daughter’s time equally. If I have full custody, I won’t have to deal with her anymore. But this can’t be good ex-etiquette.

Fighting is not good ex-etiquette — and doing it in front of your child is even worse. But changing your child’s schedule isn’t going to make a difference. The parenting plan, or the schedule by which you share your child’s time, does not affect the problems you describe. It’s not the amount of time your child spends with each parent that is making things difficult. It’s you and mom — not the custody arrangement.

I hear complaints like yours often, and misunderstanding is often at the root of it. Of course, the other parent may be manipulative — anger and revenge after a breakup bring out the worst in all of us — but more often than not, when these discussions come up in my office, there’s a reason why.

People don’t return phone calls or texts as a control mechanism, true, but not returning texts or phone calls is also a way to avoid confrontation. Check yourself — because that’s the only one you can change.

What’s your approach when you call your child’s mother? Is your frustration evident? Are you angry? Put yourself in her shoes (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 7, “Use empathy when problemsolving.”) Is she not returning calls because she anticipates a fight? Even if you don’t feel it’s your fault, is there anything you can do to set a more positive stage for interaction?

Let’s address her making plans on your weekends. That can be incredibly irritating, and it’s insensitive, but, again, there may be an explanation. It’s not uncommon for parents to explain that plans were made because there was a family reunion or a wedding or a funeral — something out of their control — and a weekend switch was requested, but the other parent declined. So, therefore, the next time there was a conflict, they didn’t consult the other parent, they just steamrolled them. Granted, it’s terrible.

With this in mind, did mom ever request a change and you declined? And, each time you asked for a weekend of hers, did you offer to switch?

When things get as bad as you describe, many parents think returning to court is the answer. You need co-parenting help, not another visit to the court. Find a therapist who will help you re-establish your co-parenting boundaries. That will help your child flourish.