Play hardball to keep kids from spiteful grandma

Q

It has been a year since my divorce was finalized. My ex was physically abusive, and I finally kicked him out. He went to live with his mother. During the process, my lawyer advised me that, given who our judge was, I should not waste my time or money fighting for primary custody of our two kids. Despite his flaws as a husband, he is a good father. We have managed to fall into a good co-parenting routine, and communication has improved.

Recently, my children reported to me that dad spends most of his time in Boston with his new girlfriend, and grandma takes care of them. Grandma apparently has been telling our kids, who do not know about the abuse, that the divorce was my fault because I had an affair. Before I filed for divorce, I went to her for help. I showed her photographs of my injuries and asked her to convince him to get help. She did nothing. I believe 10 and 9 are too young for the kids to know the real reason for the divorce.

I don’t begrudge my ex his new relationship, but I cannot have my kids spending his parenting time with his mother any longer. What are my options?

A

Since you say your communication with your ex has improved, start there. Call him and explain that you are not comfortable with the current arrangement and ask him to let the children return to you if he is planning to spend the time with his girlfriend. Tell him you are not looking for a formal change to the parenting plan but want the kids to be with you if he is not going to be present.

He will want to know why, and you should expect your answer will not be well received. This is where you need to play hardball. Explain what his mother is telling the kids. Tell him thus far you have taken the high road and the kids still do not know about the abuse. Tell him you have no desire to change their opinion of him, but you are also unwilling to let his mother change their opinion of you. It is his choice: Let you cover while he is off having fun — or the children will know the truth about his conduct sooner rather than later. Surely your children will react differently to the photographs than his mother did.

If he does not cave, you have to decide whether to follow through on your threat. If you do, I suggest you tell the children in the presence of a therapist so there is someone to help them work through their feelings.

Or you can go back to court to modify the parenting plan to limit the children’s contact with grandma outside of your ex’s presence.

Either way, you cannot permit your children’s heads to be filled with lies because their grandmother spitefully refuses to acknowledge she raised an abuser.