Dealing with differences can be simple – just watch ‘Queer Eye’
There is a moment in the “Queer Eye” pilot that made me cringe. The subject of the episode, Tom, is a 57-year-old unluckyin-love self-described “redneck.” About halfway through the episode, he is riding in the car with Jonathan and Bobby, two of the “Fab Five,” a team of gay men with different areas of expertise tasked with making over people’s lives. Tom asks Jonathan and Bobby if either one of them is married.
“I am,” Bobby says. “We’ve been together 13 years and married for five because, of course, it wasn’t legal to get married until five years ago.”
In response to that, Tom asks, “Are you the husband or the wife?”
There is a pause. I look away from the screen, as is my instinct when awkward moments arise.
While Jonathan giggles in the backseat, Bobby struggles to find the words. “Um ... that is ...”
“Let’s break that down!” Jonathan interjects mischievously. “Let’s unpack that.”
“... that is a misconception,” Bobby finishes. “That’s a little sexist, Tom.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” Tom says, shrugging and a little flustered. He didn’t mean to offend his new friends, but he sees that he maybe has. Without missing a beat, Jonathan launches into a little speech about the roles people play in relationships.
“Even with hetero couples, I think those lines are blurred,” he says, suggesting that gay couples and straight couples deal with the same issues, and he offers that there is “gorgeous strength” to be had in both masculine and feminine energy.
“We both wear the pants in the family,” Bobby elaborates in answer to Tom’s original question.
Tom nods. “OK, that’s good.”
And with that, the three of them move on to picking out a new mattress for Tom.
“Queer Eye,” a Netflix remake of the 2003 show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” is a makeover show. There are haircuts and renovations and cooking lessons and heart-to-heart conversations. There are big reveals and often tears. It’s a feel-good show. But as I binged, what struck me over and over is the way the Fab Five engage with people who espouse ideologies that don’t align with their identity as gay men. In every conversation, every “teaching moment,” they respond from a place of love.
Tom’s misconception is far from the prickliest moment on the show. Things get much more complicated during an episode that focuses on Cory, a NASCAR-loving police officer. But when the Fab Five find a Make America Great Again hat in his closet, they don’t pack up and leave.
Later in the episode, Karamo, an African-American member of the Fab Five, engages with white cop Cory about the tension between law enforcement and people of color.
“Black Lives Matter, they weren’t able to be heard, and the police officers weren’t able to be heard,” Cory acknowledges at the end of their conversation.
I asked Mark Reinecke, chief of psychology for Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, about the merits of the Fab Five’s approach. He offered tips on how to have a productive conversation when you don’t agree with someone on a tough topic. According to Reinecke, after being an active listener (not thinking up retorts while the other person talks), it’s important to validate the other person’s perspective before trying to change his or her mind. The conversation might start with: “I can see why you have this view and why it’s important to you. I wonder if there is another way to look at this?”
But what if, I countered, you’ve taken to avoiding conversation entirely? What if it’s not about keeping a conversation civil, but just maintaining a relationship with someone you love who holds wildly different political views?
“Families, like communities, can self-segregate into polarized groups,” Reinecke said.
“When like-minded people gather, they tend to become more homogeneous and more extreme in their views. We tend, understandably, to prefer the company of people who think like us and who support our perspectives. This can occur in the media, on college campuses and within families. The more individuals are separated or separate themselves from others — and this can be done physically by avoiding them or psychologically by dismissing them — the wider the divergence will become.”
Reinecke added that labeling people as misogynistic or unintelligent rarely changes their opinions, but being open to alternative perspectives or motives can help you understand where a person is coming from.
And if a conversation is too painful or unproductive, the loving approach taken on “Queer Eye” is still a possibility.
Hearts can be changed by offering kindness and living alongside someone with love.
“This is the message of grace,” Reinecke said. “Note how the Dalai Lama approaches his opposition: He suggests we adopt a ‘benevolent attitude’ toward all.”
“Queer Eye” is a TV show — a neatly packaged 45 minutes designed and edited to leave viewers feeling happy. There’s no denying that real life is a great deal messier. But perhaps the reason the show strikes a chord is because of its simplicity — and the universal wisdom it presents through its main characters. It has the ability to pull back differences and recognize similarities.