Boston Herald

Parents’ poor behavior puts kids in the middle

- By JANN BLACKSTONE

My ex is constantly nagging me. He didn’t like what I was doing and threatened to take me back to court. I told him to go ahead. Well, he had a deputy serve me at an exchange right in front of our girls. They were frightened when they saw the police officer and now they don’t want to go to his home. He thinks it’s because of something I’ve done. What’s good exetiquett­e?

Exchanges are one of the few times children see their parents together after a breakup. If an exchange is stress-free, the children will look forward to the exchanges, and as a result, spending time with both parents. If the exchanges are fraught with sarcasm, innuendos and anger, don’t be surprised if your kids tell you they don’t want to go. Parents often misread that, thinking the child doesn’t want to see the other parent. “Oh, they must like me best. They don’t want to see him (or her).” Truth is, it’s not the other parent they don’t want to see so much as they hate the exchanges. They express that by saying they don’t want to go.

That’s when the parent that’s on the outs starts blaming. “It must be your fault! You’re turning them against me!” If you are arguing at the exchanges, it’s both of your faults. Stop it.

I have to say it — serving the other parent in front of the children is just plain low. It brings the parental conflict to the forefront and puts your children right in the middle of the two people they love the most. One will appear right, the other will appear wrong — and your children will have to choose which one.

This is why most custody orders specify that parents are not to discuss court proceeding­s with their children. Serving the other parent in front of the children places them at the center of your conflict.

There are times when we need the help of a police officer to serve the other parent, particular­ly if the breakup is volatile or there has been domestic violence in the past. But in a day when we need protection more than ever, asking a police officer to serve the other parent in front of the children could just reinforce a child’s fear of the police.

I cannot think of one positive aspect of serving the other parent (with the help of the police or not) in the presence of the children. It’s horrible ex-etiquette.

Finally, although there are times when returning to court is a necessity, using returning to court as a threat to scare the other parent into submission is a sign the parents aren’t listening to one another and are locked in a cycle of who’s right and who’s wrong. Don’t be those parents. Remember your children are watching, and it’s not “either/or.” Your children need both of you.

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