Puppy eyes aren’t enough for retriever
Dating in a dog-eat-dog world would have anyone barking mad
So my 3-year-old female golden retriever came in last night from yet another unsuccessful date. She met online, this, what she thought was a French poodle, (she wants to date up) turns out, he was short, bald and a Beagle.
As usual, because of insecurity, the male lied about his height and looks. “If I meet one more dog that says they look like George Clooney, I’m going to get a gun!” I just listened.
Actually, I was quietly relieved that she’s grown out of her bad boy phase: bulldogs, boxers, pit bulls and Rottweilers. The stories I could tell you, oy. She went on, but now she was really venting.
“I’m not going back to that awful dog park — let’s call it what it is, a meat market. None of them want to take five minutes to get to know you. It’s woof, woof, woof, blah, blah, blah, always about him and his life and, then it’s off to the bushes. And the first dates I’ve had with mixed breeds, everyone’s been rescued, everyone’s had a tough childhood, everyone’s from down south and this is the first five minutes of the first date! Jeez, too much information already!”
I just listen; you’ll find someone, honey, I say.
“My therapist says I am settling for less. Like the six months I spent with that alcoholic St. Bernard, (yeah sure you’re just delivering the booze). I should have spoken up so many times. I wanted to scream wipe your mouth the drool is killing me, I’m dying here!
“I just want to come home to someone, chew a branch or dirty socks, sniff through some garbage and fall asleep next to a fan. Is that too much to ask?” (She paused). “You know, there has been a Bernese mountain dog sniffing around, maybe I should give him a chance. I’m more into the gym than hiking but what do I have to lose. Let’s see what his story is.
“You know, I think I’ll change my profile on the app. I will lie like the rest of them, tell them I’m a puppy, living on the farm.
“I need to think about something else. What’s with Trump calling Omarosa a dog, she should be so lucky. Give me that slipper, I need to destroy something.”